


Killing Time

by coupdepam



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-16
Updated: 2003-04-16
Packaged: 2019-05-15 16:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14794076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coupdepam/pseuds/coupdepam
Summary: Is Sam killing time or is it killing him?





	1. Killing Time

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  


**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

Sam sneaked a furtive look at his wristwatch then scratched his nose and hoped the action would hide the yawn that had been threatening to claim him ever since the President had said, "Believe me Sam there are many things you don’t know about Yellowstone National Park."

Sam just wanted to go home. He had been covering for Toby who had been ill for the past few days and Leo had told him that as Toby was due back the next day he could come in later on in the morning. His thoughts about how he would spend the extra time were interrupted by the President’s voice, "...over one hundred tremors a day Sam...under the park. They’re using a sound meter to measure waves. They can record if the waves pass through solid or molten rock. The possibility of a volcano erupting under Yellowstone is not as ridiculous as it sounds."

Sam uncrossed his legs and leant forward in his seat. "Do you think we will be able to get Yogi out in time sir?"

It was at this point that Leo entered and told Sam to head off home and make the most of his ‘extra’ time. Sam was glad for a reason to leave as his deadpan response to the President had not gone down at all well.

Sam glanced at the clock and lay back on his pillow. He wished he was at work now so he could tell Josh what he had said to the President when bombarded by his facts about Yellowstone. He realised that showing even a hint of boredom or sarcasm was not a wise move but desperate times called for desperate measures. Sam started to drift off back to sleep thinking strange thoughts about Yogi Bear and volcanoes.

When he awoke he had a leisurely breakfast watched a little morning TV, and spent a little more time than usual choosing his wardrobe. Apart from that he couldn’t think of anything productive he could do in a couple of hours and was secretly thinking he would really rather be at work. It felt very weird to still be at home at ten o’clock in the morning.  The past few days hadn’t been particularly exhausting but Sam knew what Toby was like when he missed work. He would be playing catch up and taking out his frustration on everyone and in that respect Sam was glad that he had the first few hours away from the bullpen.

After sorting through some laundry and undertaking another fruitless search of the TV stations, he decided he would head in a little earlier than he was expected to and go to the gym. It would be nice to be able to take his time there as well, instead of trying to fit a visit into a lunch hour.

Sam’s head was in the back of his wardrobe, he was looking for his sneakers. He hadn’t realised it had been _that_ long since he had been to workout. His head was now covered with the bottom of his tuxedo that trailed above him so he didn’t hear the glass in the bathroom window break. He didn’t hear the gentle thud of two feet landing on the carpeted floor and he didn’t even hear the bottle of pills fall into the sink as the intruder took a perfunctory swipe at the contents of the medicine cabinet.

Sam sat by his wardrobe. One hand was on his hip the other was supporting his chin. He looked like a carbon copy of The Thinker except all he was thinking about was where he had last seen his sneakers. Then he heard it. A crash followed by a curse. Sam froze. His mind raced through the possibilities for the noise. Was the television on? Did the landlord come up and check out his apartment when he wasn’t there? He tried to make sense of the noise in a rational way but the sick feeling in his stomach told him that something was very wrong.

The intruder cursed again as he tripped over the telephone wire that he had just knocked over. Then he saw Sam’s keys and mobile phone. He experienced the same sick feeling that Sam had when he had realised he wasn’t alone in the apartment. The intruder moved quickly and in doing so headed for what he thought was the door that would lead him back to the bathroom. He barged through it aware that he had already made enough noise to alert the owner to his presence. As he walked into the room, Sam was walking out and they almost collided in the middle of the open door. They stood staring at each other.

"Shit." The intruder hissed.

Sam thought the man in front of him seemed just as afraid as he was.

"Stay away from me." He warned as Sam took a step towards him.

"Look..." Sam began. He had no idea what he was going to say but he knew his only option was to try to calm him down. Sam raised his hand trying to pacify the now distressed man.

"Let’s just..." Before he could say another word the intruder took a hurried step towards him. He swiped at Sam’s outstretched arm knocking him backwards onto his bed. Before Sam could react he felt the man’s hand pushing him down. The next thing he felt was a sharp sudden pain in his chest. He tried to stand but only managed to slide onto the floor. He had only been punched a few times before but he remembered the pain that comes after it and the feeling of all the air being pushed out at once. He was breathing rapidly and couldn’t seem to focus on sounds or sights. The intruder stood over him for a few seconds, Sam wasn’t sure if it was his harsh breathing he could hear or the intruder’s. When he next looked up the man had fled, leaving the bathroom window banging on its hinges behind him.

The digits on the clock in Toby’s office switched to 11:30 at exactly the same time as Toby bellowed for Ginger. She peered round Toby’s door; she too knew how Toby was when he had been away from his office for more than a few days.

"Phone Sam, I need to know where my thing is."

"You’re sure you want me to do that?" Ginger replied.

"Well yes Ginger. When I asked you to phone Sam that’s what I was hoping you would do."

"I mean you’re sure you want me to phone Sam and ask him if he knows where your thing is?"

"Ginger..." Toby laced Ginger’s name with so much threat that she immediately knew to not to carry on with that particular topic.

"Somebody has been in this office. They have been in this office and they have touched my desk." Toby explained.

"Toby I can stand here with my hand on my heart and say that no one has touched your desk, they..."

Toby’s voice cut across Ginger’s, "If this is going to be one those things where you say that people touched things _on_ my desk but nobody actually touched my _desk_ , I think you should know that they never amuse me."

Ginger smiled at Toby, "Toby I’m not going to phone Sam. He will be in within the hour and then you can ask him if he knows where your thing is. You never know he might even help you look for it."

"Go now please."

Ginger headed back to her desk. Toby knew she would be smiling in fact the way his day was going so far he could guarantee she would be smirking. Toby continued to carry out a mental inventory of all the items that had been moved or were missing from his desk. And when Sam got in he was going to make him sit there and find or explain the absence of every one.

Sam couldn’t get his breath back. He was still sitting where he had fallen at the foot of his bed. Slowly he got to his feet and started to walk to the phone. He knew he wouldn’t be up to going in and thought he better phone Toby...no Ginger...she could tell Toby that he wouldn’t be in. As Sam reached the phone a shot of pain forced him to double over. He went to where he always went when he felt ill; the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Sam couldn’t understand why the bathroom window was open. His unfocused eyes didn’t take in the smashed glass on the windowsill and floor. Sam thought he was carefully browsing through the contents of the cupboard. In fact he was now groggily groping for and dropping pill bottles and other items. Sam thought he had been punched, in fact he had been stabbed and the hand that clutched his chest was now covered in his blood. He lent heavily against the sink. He was finding it hard to focus, his breathing was strained and the shock that was beginning to take hold of his system refused to allow him to realize that he was bleeding and that he had been stabbed.

Toby was now in a meeting. He had told Ginger to give Sam another hour and then start phoning him. He hated to admit it but he really did need Sam here. He didn’t know the full background to the discussion he was currently involved in and he knew Sam had spent a great deal of time talking to at least two of the people who were at the moment doing a very good job of opposing his argument. He wiped his hand over his forehead when he looked up he noticed that it was now 12:00 Sam knew that Toby would have wanted to talk to him before he went into the meeting.

"Toby...well...can you honestly sit there and tell me you agree with that?"

Toby realized he had obviously already been asked this question and not answered it. He also realized he did not have the faintest clue what had been said in the room for the past few minutes.

"Let’s call it for lunch. Meet back in an hour. Then I can tell you whether I agree with you or not; but I wouldn’t hold out too much hope for the honesty bit if I were you." The meeting adjourned Toby headed back to the bullpen.

Sam let go of his stomach and held onto the sink with both hands. As he placed his bloodied hand down it slipped and caused him to lurch forward. As he lifted his head he finally managed to focus on the reflection that greeted him. Sam stared at the deathly pale, shaking, blood covered reflection that greeted his eyes. He placed his hand on his chest again and this time his brain recognized the warm, sticky substance that oozed through his fingers. The sight and feel of the blood broke through to his numb mind and he slowly began to make his way to his phone.

Ginger was on the phone when Toby got to her desk. She saw Toby arrive and put the receiver down. "He’s not answering Toby that’s the fourth time I’ve called his home and his cell."

"Keep trying...no call Josh he’s due back from the Hill but see if you can catch him before he leaves. Put him straight through if you get him."

"Do you want me to keep trying Sam after that?"

"Oh yes Ginger...keep trying Sam. You may want to leave a few warning messages too."

"Warning him about what?" Ginger called as Toby turned to leave.

"Me Ginger...me."

Sam was panicking now that his senses had returned enough to let him register both pain and fear. The journey from his bathroom to the phone seemed to be taking forever. He gasped as a shiver racked his body and the pain that followed it caused him to fall to the ground. As he fell the first shrill tone of his phone rang out.

"Sam...it’s Ginger. You better get in here Toby is not happy...well more unhappy than usual. He’s going back to his meeting in a while and I think he wants you here before he does so get a move on! Oh...and I think he knows about the stapler!" Sam could only listen to Ginger’s voice and the bleep that followed. He pulled his legs in and wrapped his arms round his waist.

Josh threw his backpack over his shoulder and started making his way back to the White House. His phone rang as he reached the main doors and Ginger’s voice sounded before he could say hello.

"Josh I’m putting you through to Toby."

There was only a short pause before he heard Toby’s voice.

"Josh I need you to go by Sam’s on your way here."

"I’m not going to Sam’s. He’s having the morning off to escape your Daddy Bear ‘who’s been sitting at my desk’ routine. Anyway if you need something picked up I’m pretty sure there’s a few reliable courier services in Washington."

"Humor me Josh, go to Sam’s and get him in here now."

"You’re taking a beatin’ in a meetin’."

"I may be having some...problems finding a point that I can...you know...argue logically..."

"Well that’s never stopped you before." Josh interrupted, "I’m not going to Sam’s Toby. He’ll be in soon. Just dazzle them with your natural charm and wit...man are you stuffed."

Toby didn’t rise to Josh’s bait. The older man hung up and Josh smiled as he snapped his phone shut and headed through the doors.

Sam drifted in and out of the blackness that had been threatening to claim him since the intruder had struck. His mind filled with jumbled images of Yogi Bear, trainers and staplers. After a few failed attempts he no longer had the strength or the wherewithal to try to get to his feet. Sounds floated in to his apartment. The traffic was proving to be quite a soothing sound and in the gaps between Sam could hear bird song. The noises were occasionally interrupted by the sound of the bathroom window banging open and shut. Startled, Sam’s eyes snapped open. He groped to switch off his alarm clock and then realized that he was not in bed he was laying on the floor and it was not the alarm it was the phone.

"Sam...buddy...I think you better head in. Toby is really pissed at you. He’s struggling in that meeting...Cruft and Callaghan are making him look like an idiot...on second thoughts take your time. Come and hide in my office when you get in. And another thing...I think he knows about the stapler. I gave it to Donna but I don’t think she put it back...or she may have put hers back instead...anyway we need to come up with a plan...blaming Donna’s looking good to me. See ya.

Josh held onto the phone before he put it down. Sam was pushing it if he was much longer coming in. Josh figured that he must be driving in and that’s why he didn’t answer his mobile. He went out to Donna’s desk and started rifling through the contents of her desk.

"What are you doing?"

"Donna...sneak up on a guy why don’t you."

"You’re doing the sneaking." Josh’s plan to blame Donna for the missing stapler was becoming more tempting.

"When I gave you that stapler you put it back where I told you to right?"

"Would this be the stapler that Ginger is frantically searching for?"

"Ah...yeah...so did you?"

"Yes I put it back where you told me to...but I don’t think you told me to put it on Toby’s desk."

"Donna! I told you...I was very clear. It’s my job to give you important instructions it’s your job to listen attentively and carry them out."

"Well you might need to be more explicit because I didn’t think a stapler was as important as oh I don’t know contacting a congressman or..."

"Stop talking." Josh interrupted, "Right. Now think; on whose desk do you think you might have put it?"

"Well not Ginger’s that for sure."

Josh was loosing the little patience he possessed. "I don’t think you realize the seriousness of this..."

"Stapler situation."

"Yes this stapler situation. Sam stole Toby’s stapler at my request. I lost it. Toby is looking for it. How serious do you want this to get?"

"Ok Josh here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to surreptitiously and calmly look for the stapler. If we can’t find it I can casually mention in front of Toby that I was surprised to see that he had let Sam borrow his stapler and then..."

"That’s very good."

"Thank you...I have a good teacher."

"No really ‘cos my plan was to blame you."

"Well I prefer this plan it would work out better for me."

"Yeah." Josh shepherded Donna away from her desk and towards Toby’s office.

Sam felt thirsty but there was very little he could do about it. He was restless but was unable to stand or move a great deal. His breathing which had been becoming more difficult now consisted of shallow raspy breaths and when he breathed in he could hear a sucking noise. He listened to the sounds of his breathing as he stared at the flashing light of the answer phone.

Ginger looked a little pale Josh thought as he passed her desk. She mimed a cut-throat action to Donna but was unable to elaborate as Toby came rushing towards them.

"Page Sam now." Toby was furious he was holding a stack of papers in his hand which had fallen to the floor as he smacked his hand on the desk on the word ‘now’.

"These will be in the wrong order you should have put them in a file or something." Josh bent to help him collate them. "Toby?"

"Yes Josh."

"Do you want to borrow my stapler?"

Ginger winced at the onslaught she knew was coming. "Page him Ginger. Put ‘Phone office-urgent’.

Toby calmed himself down as he reordered the papers. Josh stood with his hands in his pockets watching Ginger do as Toby had requested. Sam could be forgiven for not answering his phones but a pager was different especially with the message Ginger had sent. He couldn’t wait to see what Toby was going to say when he answered. The silence was broken by Ginger mumbling and paging again. Toby put the papers down on the desk and looked at Josh. Josh returned the gaze with an equally puzzled expression.

"Do it again Ginger." Josh spoke quietly.

Again Ginger paged Sam and again there was no response.

After Toby’s rage of a few moments ago the quiet that had now descended upon the group of four was palatable.  "How many times did you try phoning this morning?"

"I don’t know Toby. I thought he was lying low because of..." Ginger didn’t finish the sentence. All thoughts of hiding from irate bosses were now irrelevant. To not answer a page especially an urgent one was not Sam at all.

"You know what I’m going to head over there." Josh said.

"OK. It’s probably nothing...pager’s broken or you’ll meet him driving in." Toby replied but he sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

Josh stared at Toby, "Are you worried?"

"Not yet. But I’m getting there." Toby scratched his forehead and sighed. "It’s probably..."

"nothing...yeah I know." Josh went back to his office quickly collected his keys and headed off to Sam’s.

Sam’s pager was clipped to his belt. He tried to pull it off. The sound had irritated him and the agitation it had caused had increased the pain in his chest. He couldn’t get his hand to do what he wanted it to and gave up trying. The phone continued to ring every so often but who ever was dialing hung up when the answer machine started. Sam wrapped his arms tighter round his waist and brought his knees further towards his stomach until he was curled up into a ball. He stared fixedly at the answer machine’s flashing light and tried not to believe the terrified voice in his head telling him that no one was going to find him.


	2. Killing Time 2

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Josh fumbled in his bag for Sam’s spare key. He had decided to stop over at his place on the way to pick them up. While Josh had been driving he had begun to realize that not answering the phone was not like Sam. Even if he had been avoiding Toby he would have returned the call eventually. It had been a few hours since Ginger had first tried to contact him. Josh’s stomach was a pit of fear and had been since the silence in which Sam had failed to answer his pager. He reached the door of Sam’s apartment and decided not to knock, "I’m letting myself in Sam." He called as he turned the key in the lock. 

As he opened the door the first sight that greeted him was Sam’s head. As he opened it wider the scene extended to show Sam’s whole body curled up on the floor. Josh stood in shock taking in the lifeless form and the pool of blood. The sound of the bathroom window banging against the frame jolted him into action and he reached a now shaking hand into his pocket for his phone. He seemed to make it from the door frame to Sam’s side in one fluent movement. He stammered his responses to the operator and found it hard to remember the number of Sam’s apartment. Whilst he had been on the phone Josh had laid one hand on Sam’s shoulder when he had finished the call he shook Sam and placed both his hands on Sam and tried to roll him onto his back. Sam’s eyes had continued to stare at the answer phone’s flashing light but they now opened wide in panic as he started to fight Josh’s hands. The operator had told Josh to place the flat of his palm over the wound but he was unable to do anything whilst Sam was using his last reserves of strength to constantly push Josh’s hands away from him.

"Sam...Sam!" Josh shouted his name and was still unable to break through the fog of fear and panic that had wrapped around his friend. 

He placed his hands on Sam’s face and pulled his head from the floor. "Look at me...Sam look at me...it’s Josh...it’s ok." 

Sam eyes finally seemed to focus and though still filled with fear they found Josh’s concerned face looming above. "It’s ok." Josh repeated as he reached over to the sofa for a pillow and gently laid Sam’s head onto it. 

"Josh...Josh...I...didn’t..." Josh told Sam to shush. With each breath Josh could hear a hissing sound and realized with horror that it was coming from Sam’s chest. He pulled his hand from Sam’s tight grasp and placed it over the wound. The hissing noise stopped. With his free hand he reached for his phone again. 

Toby was reaching for a cup when the phone rang. He cursed as the sudden movement he made knocked it over and the contents spilt over his desk. "Josh?"

"Toby...he’s...it’s..." Toby could hear Josh stuttering and breathing hard.

"For God’s sake Josh what’s wrong." Toby’s stern voice had much the same effect as the window banging had and Josh found himself able to make sense of what he was trying to say.

"Sam has been hurt...stabbed...I think he’s been stabbed. I’ve called an ambulance... he’s bleeding... we should have come..." Toby’s voice cut him off this time it was firm but reassuring. 

"Josh is he conscious?"

"Yes he tried to speak but now..." Josh’s voice trailed off

"Have you stopped the bleeding? 

"Yeah the operator told me to put my hand on it...there was this noise but it’s stopped now. I think the ambulance...shit..."

"Josh?"

"Oh shit Toby."

"Josh what’s going on?"

The phone lay on the floor beside Josh as he tried to find a way to stop Sam from choking on the frothy blood that he was now coughing up. Josh pulled Sam over until the side of his face was on the floor. Sam continued to cough and splutter and as Josh wiped the blood away he noticed the blueness of Sam’s lips. When the choking noises stopped the shallow rasp and hiss of Sam’s breathing returned. Josh could hear him mumbling something but wasn’t able to make out the words. He heard his own name though and told Sam again and again that he was there and everything was alright. He placed his palm over the wound, tucked the phone under his chin and this time used his free hand to grab Sam’s hand which again held on with surprising strength.

"Toby I’m here...he was...did you think I was going to die when you found me?"

"What...err...for a moment...yes I think I did." 

"He won’t" This was not a question Josh was stating a fact. "They’re here Toby I’ll phone you." Josh snapped his phone shut and called out, "In here...we’re here." 

The paramedics gently removed Sam’s hand from his then firmly removed Josh from Sam’s side. He answered their questions about previous medical conditions and current medication and he listened to their secret language some of the words flittered by him others seemed to stay in the air and hover; blood pressure...chest tube...pneumothorax...cyanosis. Josh walked round to the other side of Sam so that he could see that he was still there but Sam had already slipped into unconsciousness. The IV had been inserted and cardiac monitors placed on his chest and as he was lifted onto the gurney Josh’s gaze stayed on the pool of blood that had collected beneath him. 

"Sir" The paramedic raised her voice, "Sir...are you going to follow?" 

Josh found out where they were taking Sam and told them he would make his own way there. He went to the bathroom and fastened the window, he hung a towel from the curtain rail and wedged it into the frame to attempt to cover the hole, he washed his hands and watched the blood spiral round and down the plughole and then he leaned over the toilet bowl took three deep breaths, gave in to his stomach and vomited.

Toby spoke even though Margaret was on the phone. "I need to see him." She took one look at Toby’s face placed the caller on hold and went into Leo’s office.

"Go on in Toby. Is everything alright?" 

He didn’t answer and he didn’t give Leo a chance to speak. "Sam’s been stabbed. Josh is with him. I’m going to the hospital."

"Sam’s been stabbed? Jesus Toby...was he mugged." Leo walked over to where Toby stood.

"No he was at home. I don’t know Leo...it must have been an intruder...I don’t know. Can we worry about ‘why’ later on?" Leo gave a small nod and told Toby to go. As Toby rushed past her Leo yelled her name and Margaret knew whatever Toby’s visit was about it wasn’t good news.

Josh placed his forehead against the cool glass of the window and watched the nurses and doctors at work. He couldn’t see Sam’s face anymore. He had changed positions from where he’d had a clear view when a nurse had come crashing through the door and told him to move. She had been carrying blood; blood for Sam. He strained to hear what was being said but could only make out certain comments above the clatter and bleeps of the ER. "Are you sure?" The voice cut above the others in the room.

"We don’t need a chest x-ray...look at the wound...there’s cyanosis...he’s hypotensive." 

Josh thought that Sam had died when he heard that. He thought that it was too late to help him; that he had been too late. The Doctors were in fact deciding that an x-ray was unnecessary- it was clear to them what was wrong with Sam.  They worked around his unconscious form cutting his clothing, attaching an IV drip and giving him blood to replace what he had bled onto his living room floor. The next time Josh heard one of the Doctors speak there was no misunderstanding the meaning of his words. 

"Do we know how long he was waiting to be found...well another half hour and it would have been too late." 

It wasn’t the fact that Sam had nearly died that shocked Josh. He had known that as he had sat helplessly watching his friend loose his struggle to stay with him. It was the Doctors words that hit Josh as hard as any punch and then stayed with him and repeated over and over, ‘waiting to be found...waiting to be found’. Josh closed his eyes and leaned heavily against the wall. He started as a hand was placed on his shoulder.

"What’s happening?" As he spoke Toby caught sight of Sam in the room behind. Both men stood in silence facing opposite directions; one trying anxiously to get a look at Sam’s face and the other wondering if he’d ever be able to look Sam in the face again. 

* * *

Josh lent back in his chair as Toby returned with two more cups of coffee and threw the last, now cold, cups away. He sat back down next to Josh and rubbed his eyes wearily. "It’s not our fault Josh." Toby lent back in his chair and sighed, "We didn’t know."

"Toby please...you didn’t see him lying there." Now Josh lent back and turned to face Toby, "I heard what the Doctor said. If I’d been half an hour later he would have been dead.  So don’t sit there and tell me it isn’t my fault when Sam was lying waiting to be found whilst I was trying to figure out how to put a stapler back on your desk." Josh spat the word stapler with venom and by the time he had finished his rant he was standing over Toby with his hands on his hips. Toby waited until Josh’s breathing had slowed and then asked in a calm, even voice, "Did you stab him?"

"What...why are you?"

"Did you stab him?" Toby repeated.

"No Toby I didn’t stab him." Toby just nodded as if he had made his point. 

"But I twisted the knife."

"Okay Josh you carry on along your journey of self hatred and recrimination. I’m going to go ask the nurses if they know anything about the...you know...reality of the situation."

Josh sat back down and reached for the cup of coffee the smell of it made his stomach lurch and he decided pacing up and down the waiting room would be the best course of action. He had covered the small area at least four times before he heard the door open and turned to see Toby entering with a doctor close behind.  

"Sit down Josh." Toby ordered and Josh sat. The Doctor remained standing by the door and after introducing himself began to relate Sam’s condition. 

"Mr Seaborn was in a bad condition when he was bought in. We had trouble stabilizing him and decided to take him to surgery to close the wound and insert a chest tube to treat the injury he sustained. The wound caused air to enter between the lung and its lining this caused pressure on the lung and it collapsed. Unfortunately the uninjured lung was affected by the pressure that built up and that prevented his heart from refilling with blood properly. In other words he is a very lucky man that you found him when you did. He’s lost a lot of blood and the shock was severe. He had some problems after surgery so we have intubated him. He has a chest tube inserted which will re-expand the lung. He is sedated but a nurse will be along soon to take you to see him." 

The Doctor shook their hands and walked out leaving the two men staring at the door after him. Toby stood up and threw away the two cups of coffee.

CJ sat with her feet on her desk skimming her third newspaper of the morning. At the sight of Leo standing in the doorframe she put the newspaper down and swung her legs off the desk. Leo rarely came to CJ’s office. On the few occasions he had it had always been bad news.

"Hey CJ." Leo came into the room and shut the door behind him.

"What’s wrong?" Leo walked over to CJ’s desk and sat down on the edge of it.

"This morning Sam was stabbed by a man who broke into his apartment. Josh found him and he’s at the hospital now with Toby. I’m waiting for Toby to call. CJ?" Leo made sure CJ was listening before he continued. "I need you to phone the hospital and get a report of his condition. Nothing to the press until we know what the... situation is. I need you to get a statement from the police as well. This is hard CJ I know that but I need you to do your job. It will be easier if you focus on what you have to do as press secretary. I told the President first but I wanted to tell you before you heard it from one of the press."

"How did he take it?"

"Not well...Ron’s with him at the moment...trying to explain why he doesn’t have any information for him yet."

CJ nodded at Leo her face was pale and her hands clasped tightly on the desk.

"CJ?" Leo spoke quietly.

"It’s okay Leo. I’m Okay." Leo was about to reply when Margaret appeared at the door.

"Leo, it’s Toby."

"Put him through to here." He sat back down on the desk and placed CJ’s phone on speaker while they waited for the call to be transferred. 

"Toby I’m with CJ."

"CJ someone here is going to make a statement to the press but they’re going to speak to you first. We just spoke to the Doctor and he told us that Sam..."

Leo and CJ sat and listened as Toby related what the Doctor had told him. Half way through CJ started to take notes. Leo was right it did help to focus on her job. She scribbled ‘difficulties stabilising in ER’ on her pad and tried to forget the images of Sam that were already forming in her mind.

Toby shut the door quietly behind him and walked to the end of Sam’s bed.

"CJ’s going to speak to him before he makes the statement and then she’s going to do a briefing at two o’clock."

Josh didn’t care what CJ was going to do or what the press were going to be told. 

"I phoned his parents they’re on their way."

Toby had made four phone calls since the Doctor had spoken to them. Josh knew that he was trying to keep busy and make himself feel like he was being useful. Josh had decided he was going to stay until Sam woke up that was how he was going to be useful. He was going to stay with his friend. 

"Are you going to just stand there or sit down?" Josh asked irritably. 

"I think I’m going to head back...I can’t do anything here...I need to write some notes for CJ anyway."

"Okay. Will you send Donna over? I’ve got a sports bag in my office with a sweatshirt in. I can’t sit here with...I don’t want him to see it when he wakes up" Toby had seen but not mentioned the blood that covered Josh’s shirt. He had begun to wonder if Josh was oblivious to it. 

"Yeah. You’ll phone me if there’s any change?"

"Yes." Toby stayed for a few moments longer. He tapped the bed rail, cleared his throat, turned and left. A cacophony of sounds filled the room. Machines buzzed and beeped but all Josh could hear was the sound of the ventilator helping Sam to breathe. He watched the bubbles of air travelling down the tube from his chest to the water bottle. He held onto Sam’s hand with both of his and started to count the bubbles as they made their way down the tube. 

A nurse came over to Sam’s bed. Josh continued to count. 33...

She took Sam’s temperature. 34...checked the tubing and water bottle 35...replaced a bag of fluid attached to the IV. 36...she recorded her findings on the chart at the foot of the bed. The nurse worked wordlessly and Josh was grateful for it. 

It was early evening and the ICU unit had taken on a faint reddish glow from the sunset. Sam had been sedated for a number of hours and Josh knew that once the sedative wore off they would remove the tube if they were happy with his breathing. Josh remembered coming round from his operation and the feeling of sheer panic that had overtaken him when he felt the tube in his throat and found he was unable to breathe. Josh was determined to be there when that happened to Sam. Donna’s hand on his arm startled him from his thoughts and he said nothing as she rubbed his arm soothingly. 

"I brought your top." 

"Thanks Donna." He took the bag and walked over to the far side of the room to an empty bed and pulled the side curtain across. Donna watched as he removed his blood soaked shirt and vest and said nothing as he rolled them into a ball and shoved them into the waste bin. He washed his hands and returned to his seat by the side of the bed. 

"What can I do Josh?" Donna had walked over to hunch down in front of Josh.

"Go to Sam’s and pack some things for him. He’ll wake up later and he’ll want his own things." Josh handed the keys to Sam’s apartment to her but she didn’t take them.

"Josh it’s a crime scene the police won’t just let me walk in there...I don’t think I could anyway." 

Josh stared at her and as the reality of her words sunk in he nodded his agreement. She stood up and kissed him on the top of his head leant over the bed and kissed Sam also. It was not long after Donna left that Sam began to stir. Josh called the nurse over and watched as his eyes opened. He looked around the room without seeming to focus on anything and then the panic that Josh knew only too well took hold and the confusion was replaced with fear. Josh could hear the nurse talking soothingly and explaining what was happening. She was trying to get Sam to breathe in and out but he was so gripped by terror that he was unable to focus on anything else.

"Sam- stop it. You’ve got to relax and try to breathe by yourself then she’ll take it out." As he spoke Josh put his hand on Sam’s head and forced his face towards him. Wide frightened eyes stared up at him but this time they seemed to focus. When the nurse spoke again Sam did what he was told and after trying to breathe in and out twice he felt the pressure slowly leaving his throat. Josh continued to keep his hand on Sam’s head as he coughed and gagged.

"You’re good Mr Lyman we could use you around here for all our anxious patients." The nurse smiled. 

"It’s only Sam I can calm down I have the opposite effect on most other people." Josh sat back down running a hand through his hair.

The nurse shot a grin at Josh and then raised her voice "Mr Seaborn do you know where you are?"

Sam had closed his eyes and was only able to mumble in response.

"Come on Mr Seaborn open your eyes...open your eyes please."

Sam slowly opened his eyes and let his gaze fall in the general direction of where the voice was coming from. 

"That’s it...do you know where you are?" The nurse repeated.

"Not...home...hospital." Sam guessed.

The nurse explained what had happened to Sam in very simple terms and then asked him about what he remembered and how he was feeling. Sam answered them all with almost unintelligible responses. When the nurse left, Sam closed his eyes and again mumbled something that Josh couldn’t hear. As Toby and CJ entered the room the sight that greeted them was of Josh leaning close to his friend they couldn’t tell what he was saying but Sam occasionally nodded. Josh had his hand on Sam’s head and was stroking his forehead with his thumb. 

The two visitors stood by the side of the bed and watched as Josh lulled Sam to sleep.


	3. Killing Time 3

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

The first thing that Josh noticed was that the answer phone light was still persistently flashing by Sam’s front door. The second thing was the large stain of blood that had ruined the rug. Josh sank into the chair and sighed.

_"I’m going to be buying a rug."_

_"Sam I asked you what you were doing this weekend."_

_"Yes Josh and I replied ‘ I’m going to be buying a rug’- and possibly a throw."_

_"If anyone else asks you how you’re spending the weekend- don’t say that."_

_"Well it’s what I’m doing."_

_"Make something up."_

_Josh stretched and kept his hands on the top of Sam’s office doorframe. Sam continued to pack various files and folders into his briefcase. "I on the other hand will be doing many interesting and stimulating things this weekend."_

_"Good." Sam was finished packing and was waiting for Josh to move so he could leave his office._

_"And I can tell you my friend that buying rugs will not be one of them."_

_"Good for you Josh." Sam pushed past Josh and as he was almost out of sight called over his shoulder,_

_"C and C flooring, Vermont Avenue, two o’clock."_

_"Okay," Josh called back. "Buying rugs, it appears will be one of them." Josh said to Sam’s empty office._

Josh smiled as he remembered the ‘Rug Hunt’ that had taken all of Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday. It turned out that Sam had an almost freakish knowledge of rugs and knew exactly what he was looking for. He bent down and started to roll it up. It was a beautiful design and matched the colour scheme of the room perfectly. He covered both ends with trash bags and stood it by the door to take down to his car later. He then went back to the bathroom. The police had finished their work and Josh set about clearing every remnant of the disorder away. He swept up the glass from the window and starting picking up the pill bottles that still lay scattered around the floor and sink. He couldn’t understand what had happened to the contents of the medical cupboard and grimaced at the thought of the story that Sam would eventually tell him, or that he would eventually _make_ Sam tell him. Before he left he played the messages on the answer phone as he stood with a pen waiting to jot down anything important his stomach turned. The messages were from him and Ginger, mindless, stupid messages about Toby’s stapler. Josh waited until the final beep and pressed delete but he didn’t move from the table for a good while longer.

Toby sat by Sam’s bed scribbling notes. There was something about the atmosphere of the hospital early in the morning that helped him to concentrate. Sam had fallen asleep almost as soon as he had arrived. The room was filling up with flowers and cards but he had hardly seemed to notice. This was the start of his fourth day in hospital and he had said very little to his visitors and nothing about the attack. Toby hoped he would wake before he left as he wanted to be gone before Josh arrived. He couldn’t face another debate about how they should have realised sooner that Sam needed help- the last thing he needed was another dance around Josh’s conscience. A murmur from Sam drew Toby from his thoughts and he watched as his forehead furrowed and he mumbled again more loudly.

_"I haven’t been for ages."_ In his sleep Sam was back in his apartment and the intruder was with him- helping him look for his trainers.

_"They could be in my office." Sam called from inside the hall cupboard._

_"Found them!" The intruder shouted triumphantly._

_Sam walked into his bedroom and knelt beside the man who was rummaging at the back of his wardrobe._

_"They’re stuck." The man laughed._

_"Here let me try." Sam leant into the wardrobe too and recoiled as something sharp sliced his hand._

_"They’re here somewhere." The man continued, "Can’t get hold of them...ah here we are."_

_He pulled out of the wardrobe quickly, grabbed Sam’s shoulder so that he was facing him and thrust the knife into his chest. Sam called desperately for Josh and the intruder vanished and in his place Standing over him was Josh. He bent over Sam and told him that everything was going to be alright. Sam smiled up at him and closed his eyes. He felt Josh’s hands on his shoulders gently at first but then shaking him more forcefully and telling him to wake up. When he opened his eyes Josh was no longer there his face was now replaced with the face of the intruder who leant in close to Sam and whispered._

_"He’s not coming."_

Sam’s eyes sprung open he was breathing hard and couldn’t quite catch his breath. Toby was standing over him, his hands on his shoulders. He stayed in that position until he had managed to control his breathing at which point he patted Sam’s shoulder and sat back down. 

"What’s the time?" Sam hoped Toby would take the hint that he did not want to talk about his nightmare. 

"It’s six thirty. Are you okay do you want me to get the nurse?"

"It was just a dream. I’m fine now." Sam was unable to meet Toby’s eyes so instead he closed his and said, "I’m tired...I’m sorry...will you tell Josh I don’t want him to come this morning."

At Sam’s words Toby leant forward in his chair and closer to Sam. "Are you sure Sam...maybe it would do you good to see Josh now...you can sleep this afternoon." The prospect of providing even more fuel for Josh’s guilt complex was not a tempting one.

Sam was tired and he was confused. The dream still lingered and all he could make out from it was that he had needed Josh and he hadn’t come. 

Sam looked up at Toby with a puzzled expression. "I want to sleep now...why can’t you tell him that..." 

"Okay...okay...of course I’ll tell him." Sam was becoming agitated and that was the last thing Toby wanted. Josh wasn’t Toby’s problem he would have to accept that Sam was tired that was all there was to it. But as Toby packed his work away and looked at Sam he couldn’t quite avoid the feeling that there was more to this than tiredness.

Josh sat at his desk. He had walked into his office without greeting anyone and shut the door behind him. Donna waited a few moments and then knocked on the door. 

"You’re in early. Didn’t you go see Sam?"

"He was tired...he didn’t want to see...anyone."

"Oh." Donna stood and watched Josh flicking through the pages of a telephone directory. "What you looking for?"

"A rug shop...I can’t remember the name it was on Vermont Avenue...P and J Rugs or something- it had initials...flooring! That was it something and something flooring."

"C and C."

"No it was..."

"Josh it’s C and C- C and C flooring."

"Right... find the number and then phone them and ask...no wait I’ll phone. When do rug shops open?"

"It depends...is it a religious holiday for rug owners today?"

"Donna!"

"They’re regular shops Josh do you think there are special rug shop hours?"

Josh picked up the directory, walked to Donna’s desk and put it down. "Don’t come into my office again today. You can phone or email me but I’m drawing a boundary between here and my office. Josh walked away from Donna and over to the coffee machine. Finally he was able to do something for Sam. It wasn’t much- just a new rug but for Josh it staved off the feeling of helplessness that had been eating at him for the past three days.

Toby doodled over the bedside phone number he had for Sam. He had called three times since lunchtime there had been no reply the first two times and then a nurse had answered and told him that Sam was feeling too tired to talk. CJ poked her head round Toby’s door.

"Did you go this morning?"

"Are you inquiring after my bowel movements or do you mean somewhere specific?"

CJ smiled, "No Toby...urgh...no did you go and see Sam?"

Toby put down his pencil and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Have you just tried to phone him?"

"Yeah he’s not answering. Then a nurse picked up and said he was..."

"Tired...yeah." Toby interrupted.

"Josh said he didn’t want anyone to see him this morning."

"Yeah." Toby leant on his desk and rested his chin on his hand. "Has Josh tried to phone him?" He asked.

There was no need for CJ to answer for the anger of Josh’s words that flew across the bullpen let them know that something had happened to alter his previously optimistic mood.

"Put him on the phone now or I’ll come over there and show you how important this is."

"Toby sighed and stood. "Please don’t let him be talking to one of the few people that we actually don’t want to offend." 

When they reached Josh’s office they found him pacing a furious expression on his face and one hand running wildly through his hair.

"For God’s...look it was called Orion it cost $149 and you said it was a brand new range. How can you have none left? It was only two months ago you must have other stores or a warehouse." The man’s response did little to pacify Josh. "I don’t want to see the latest range...it’s got to be this one...it has to be exactly the same." Josh made his opinion of C and C Flooring clearly known as he disconnected the call. As he did so he finally noticed Toby and CJ watching him- CJ with amusement and Toby with concern. 

When CJ clocked the expressions of the two men she made a lame excuse and left. Toby entered the office and shut the door behind him. 

"Don’t read too much into it. _You_ were hell to visit for the first few days. Shock and trauma can cause depression you know that."

"And _you_ know that there’s more to it than that." Toby started to reply but Josh cut him off.

"Tell me what he said this morning. Was it ‘I don’t want to see anyone’ or ‘I don’t want to see Josh’?"

"He said he didn’t want to see you. He didn’t say ‘I don’t want to see Josh because I’ll never forgive him for’...whatever it is you think he’s not going to forgive you for."

"Not coming sooner." Josh shouted at Toby, "He’s not going to forgive me not coming to find him."

"You keep saying that as if..."

"No listen Toby." This time his voice was eerily quiet. "After I was...by the time you came and...found me...it could only have been five or six minutes tops." Toby nodded "Sam must have been there for at least an hour and a half- maybe more. Those five minutes seemed like hours...and I couldn’t understand why no one was coming to help, so for you to say that I’m reading too much into this or that I don’t know what Sam’s thinking...well I think I do know." On those words Josh sat down he looked completely deflated.

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"I’m going to go see him whether he wants me to or not and I’m going to tell him that I know how he’s feeling..."

"Don’t say that."

"Why it will..."

"You don’t know...nobody does. Tell him how you’re feeling, because I’d imagine that’s what anyone recovering from a major trauma needs to hear! But don’t go in there presuming to know what’s going on in his head." 

Josh nodded. For the first time Toby wasn’t ridiculing his fears about Sam. It should have made him feel better but it just made him feel a whole lot worse.

Josh waited a whole day before visiting Sam. It nearly sent Donna mad but he managed it. CJ, Toby and many of the communication staffers visited but Josh didn’t. CJ told him that Sam had seemed fine, apart from a temperature, but if that went down the doctors were talking about letting him go home in a couple of days. That evening the police had come and taken a statement and then Sam had not wanted to see anyone again. But then Ginger came and there were flowers and cuddly bears and she had stayed until she had made Sam promise not to make her come all that way only to be told ‘no visitors’ again. The President had sent a card and a message from him and the First Lady that provoked the first real smile that Sam had shown since the attack. Josh was told all of this and more by Sam’s visitors. In the end they decided it was easier to go straight to Josh after the hospital rather than waiting for him to come and find them for the latest update. It was when Bonnie told him the entire contents of Sam’s lunch and that she was phoning the hospital because she forgot to check the colour of the tray that Josh decided sarcasm really was the lowest form of wit. 

For the first time in days Josh had slept well comforted by the fact that Sam was on the mend. He had planned what he was going to say to Sam. He was going to explain exactly what had happened on the morning of the attack and explain how he had been feeling ever since. So on the morning of the sixth day of Sam’s hospitalisation Josh made his way along the corridor to his room. He was surprised to see one then two nurses bustling around his bed. 

"Is it worse than earlier or about the same?" one of them asked as she recorded the temperature reading on the chart. 

"Worse." Sam replied. Josh thought he looked pale and a little unfocused. He entered the room and nodded to the nurses.

"Do you still feel nauseous?" 

"Yeah and hot...really hot again." 

"What’s going on?" Josh walked over to the bed as Sam noticed him for the first time.

"Well we’ve had quite a night haven’t we Sam?"

"Yeah." Sam managed a smile and to Josh’s great relief turned and gave him one also.

"I think Sam’s got an infection. The doctor will be over soon to have a look." The nurse glanced at Josh’s puzzled face and continued, "He was ill in the night with a fever, some pain and vomiting. The fever was quite high and we had a few hallucinations...well I hope they were hallucinations or there’s some pretty weird stuff going on in the White House!"

Josh smiled at the nurse’s attempt at levity and sat down by the bed. One of the nurses took Sam’s hand and said, "Your fever’s down a little honey. I’m going to get the doctor." Both nurses left the room leaving the two men alone.

"Well this sucks." Josh sighed.

"Yeah...I was feeling okay but it started yesterday...after CJ had left."

"Yeah she has that effect on me too," Josh dead panned "They’ll just give you antibiotics or something. You’ll be home soon."

"I’m not going to go..." Sam stopped talking and moaned. Josh jumped out of his seat.

"What is it...what’s wrong?"

"I feel...I’m gonna..." Josh realised what Sam was trying to articulate and grabbed the paper bowl the nurse had left on the table. He did so just in time. Sam bent forward and Josh placed one hand on his back as he vomited the water and drugs that he had been given during the night. Josh stayed in that position whilst Sam coped with the heaves that were causing him pain and the pain that was making him draw shuddering breaths. The sudden noise caused both men to jump.

"Jesus...could Margaret have ordered a bigger bunch? I told her...send them to the room...but no she seems to think there’s this whole ‘flower theft’ thing going on so here I am...struggling like an idiot." The large bunch of flowers that had just entered the room were lowered to reveal Leo whose voice trailed off as he took in the scene before him. Josh removed the bowl as Sam lay back and closed his eyes. 

"He’s got an infection the doctor’s coming to see him soon. I’m gonna go get the nurse." Josh rushed past Leo and left him standing awkwardly at the end of the bed.

"Well I sure picked my moment to visit." Sam opened his eyes long enough to flash Leo an apologetic smile. Josh returned not with a nurse but a doctor. He shook Leo’s hand and then immediately set about examining Sam’s wound. 

Leo told Josh he was going to head off. 

"I’ll come back when Sam isn’t being examined or puking." As he headed for the door he turned to see if he could catch Sam’s eye but he was too busy trying not to wince as the doctor continued to examine the wound. Josh followed Leo outside.

"I want to stay. Donna can bring my work over and I can make phone calls from here."

"Josh you can’t do anything...they’re just going to give him antibiotics or..."

"No the doctor thinks he’s going to need another op to clean the wound. He’s waiting on some blood tests but he said the wound wasn’t healing well." Leo looked at Josh and knew immediately there was no point in saying no even if he wanted to.

"Make sure I can reach you because you won’t be able to have your phone on in here."

"Yeah...thanks Leo" Josh turned and walked back to Sam’s room.

The two men sat and waited until it was time for Sam’s operation. When Sam slept Josh worked and when he was awake they talked. Josh didn’t say any of the things he had planned to say- instead he told him about how he had searched every store in Washington for the rug and then found one in five minutes on usa-rugs.com. He told Sam about his apartment and how he’d had the window fixed and that the police were finally finished. Sam listened, his expression blank, as Josh explained that he didn’t think they held out much hope of catching his attacker. In order to change the subject, Josh read the messages in Sam’s cards occasionally asking about the people whose names he didn’t recognise. He recognised the name in the largest of the cards though.

‘...Abbey told me a great deal of medical advice to relate to you but I will simply finish with this Sam, ‘Time is the great physician’. Take your time getting well again but come back to us soon. Jed and Abbey Bartlet.’ That’s nice." Josh said.

"Yeah...it’s been bugging me though...I can’t remember what the quote is from."

They continued to talk, both men careful not to stray too close to topics concerning the attack or its aftermath, until it was time for Sam to go to theatre. Josh hurriedly packed his things which he had spread over Sam’s bed.

"You going to the office now?" Sam asked.

"Yeah...I’ll come back later."

"There’s no point I’ll be out of it. Go home."

Josh nodded and just had time to squeeze Sam’s shoulder before his bed was wheeled out of the room and out of sight.

Josh kept his gaze downwards as he walked through the bullpen and back to his office. He threw his backpack on his desk and himself into his chair."

"You should go home." CJ appeared at his doorway. 

"I’m fine thanks CJ."

"Really Josh...Sam’s going to be in for longer now which means you’re going to be burning the candle at both..."

"Yeah let’s worry about me CJ. Sam’s been stabbed and left with a wound that isn’t healing but let’s worry about Josh not having enough sleep."

"Women can multi-worry."

"Multi-worry what the hell is that?" Josh sounded annoyed but a smile was beginning to play on his lips.

"It means we are capable of worrying about more than one person at a time without having to compartmentalize the amount of worry we feel for each person."

"Please tell me you made that up."

CJ smirked, "Go home Josh."

"Yeah." He stood up and as his desk spun ninety degrees in front of his eyes decided that maybe CJ was right about going home after all. 

Sam woke to the sound of tapping but he couldn’t make out what the sound was. He felt groggy and couldn’t focus on the dark shape that was sat by his bed. The tapping continued, it was quite a soothing sound and Sam kept his eyes closed as he lay listening to it. Suddenly he realised what the sound was; it was Toby working on his laptop. In his dozy state he thought he was back in Toby’s office and he opened his eyes desperately trying not to let him see he had fallen asleep.

"I’m just thinking." Sam mumbled figuring that would explain why his eyes were closed.

"How are you feeling?" 

The concern in Toby’s voice brought him back to reality with a sudden jolt. Concern was the last thing he had expected to hear in his boss’s voice.

Sam stared at Toby as the past few days slowly came back into focus. 

"Feel ok."

"The doctor came by he said the op went really well but you won’t be going home for a while Sam." 

"Good." Sam eyes were closed now and he was drifting off to sleep again.

Toby smiled at his response. "Good it went well or good you won’t be going home?"

He stopped smiling at Sam’s answer. "Good not go home...don’t want..." 

Toby frowned, Josh had mentioned that he thought Sam was going to say he didn’t want to go home before he had started to be sick the other morning and now Toby had heard it for himself. If Sam was worried about going back to his apartment and not telling them then what else was going through his mind that he wasn’t sharing. Toby toyed with the idea of waking him up and asking him some questions, in his current state Sam might admit to more than he would when fully conscious but he realised that would not be fair and besides Sam would only deny it when he came round properly. Toby sighed and went to tell the nurse that he was awake, as he walked down the corridor he tried to think of a way that they could get Sam talking about the attack and its aftermath. Toby had always dismissed Josh’s paranoia and convinced himself that Sam would have remembered very little about the two hours he was lying on the floor but what if Josh was right? Toby started going over the events of that morning in his head; should he have realised sooner that something was wrong? He stopped at the nurses’ station and noticed the mess on the desk behind the counter. He hoped to God that Sam didn’t remember anything because how would he explain to him that he wasn’t worried about where he was because he was too busy worrying about who had left a mess on his desk.

As he walked out of the hospital he immediately dialled a number on his cell phone.

"Josh it’s Toby...we need to talk."


	4. Killing Time 4

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Josh splashed some water on his face and set about getting his apartment ready for his evening visitor. He started making some coffee and began a half hearted attempt at tidying. He had spent even less time at home than usual lately and it showed. He removed the stack of unread mail and discarded clothes from the sofa and made sure Toby at least had somewhere to sit when he arrived. The sound of the door buzzer startled Josh and he threw the pile of newspapers he was carrying into the closet on his way to answer it.

Toby nodded as he walked past him. "I’ve been at the hospital. Sam woke up just before I left."

"You’ve been there since you left work?" Josh asked walking into the kitchen.

"Yeah I find I can get a lot of work done there."

Toby’s statement was followed by silence. He sat on a chair facing the sofa as Josh came in with the coffee.

"This ok or did you want something stronger?"

"Coffee’s fine. I just needed to ask you if...well tell you that."

Josh concentrated on sipping his coffee. Toby’s hesitance made both men uncomfortable.

"I think you’re right about Sam. He told the police that he remembered hearing a noise and you arriving but nothing about the time in between. I think he remembers more than he’s let on."

Josh waited he knew there was more.

"I may have been a little... unreceptive to your concerns about Sam. I found it... difficult listening to you verbalising how I felt about what happened to you last Christmas."

"You felt guilty about me getting shot?" Josh didn’t mean to let it but his voice displayed his bewilderment about Toby’s comment.

"No of course not, no... I felt guilty for not noticing what was happening to you afterwards."

Josh put his cup down and stood up. "Wow that’s...I mean wow."

Toby sighed, "And now you’re going to belittle my attempts at talking about my..." Toby was waving his hand in the air hoping Josh would catch the word and say it for him.

"Emotions Toby, talking about your emotions." 

"Yes emotions...this is something I find..." he cleared his throat and his voice rose, "...difficult but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel and I think you’re right." Toby sat back and his shoulders relaxed letting go of the tension that had been building since he had phoned Josh. 

Josh waited until the older man looked up at him before replying. 

"I’m sensing you’d like this conversation to finish as soon as possible so I’ll be brief."

"Good."

"I don’t like to talk about my..."

This time Toby filled in the blank mimicking the tone Josh had used. 

"Breakdown, Josh, talking about your breakdown."

"The reason I don’t talk about it is that I know that everyone felt like that and that made me feel guilty. It happened because I made damn sure no one would notice. If I’d let you notice it wouldn’t have happened because you’d have noticed."

"Very eloquently put."

"Praise indeed from a man who can’t say the word ‘emotion’."

Josh sat back down facing Toby, "You don’t feel guilty anymore?"

"No."

"But you think I should about Sam?"

"I think we should just try to forget what we were doing while Sam was bleeding to...lying there wondering where his friends were." Josh hid his surprise at Toby’s use of the word ‘we’. 

"We weren’t there and that wasn’t because we didn’t care. I’ve been going over that morning ever since I phoned you and you just end up with a big pile of ‘ifs’. If we’d paged Sam instead of phoning first we would have known straight away something was wrong. If you hadn’t have been so worried about finding that stupid stapler or I hadn’t been so obsessed about my desk we would have stopped to realise that it wasn’t like Sam not to answer his cell phone."

"I hear what you’re saying and I can totally agree with the logic of it but I don’t think how I feel about this is going to change overnight. But you haven’t come here to talk about my guilt have you."

"No, as much as the topic fascinates me, no I haven’t." Josh picked up the cups and smiled at Toby. 

"I’ll get some more coffee."

The two men sat and talked until late into the night. Often they covered their true feelings with the banter that was so effective at hiding them. But both men knew the meaning of the words they spoke to each other and by the time the fourth cups of coffee were being poured down the sink they had managed to purge many of their own demons and come up with a plan to help Sam purge his own. 

Five days had passed since Sam’s second operation. The doctors were pleased with the way the wound was healing and told him that he would probably be able to go home in a few days. His parents had visited every day, his mother came in the morning and his father in the evening. Last night his father had told Sam that he would be going home tomorrow. His mother had told him she would also be going home soon. If Sam had managed to convince anyone he was on the mend it was his parents. On the afternoon of the fifth day Josh and Donna walked into Sam’s room to find him on the phone. Sam gestured for them to come and sit down.

"Very well sir." He spoke into the phone.

Josh mouthed ‘the President’ and Sam nodded.

"I did and that quote was it..." Sam smiled and shook his head, 

"Endymion...of course."

Josh and Donna waited while Sam finished his call and then Donna took the receiver from him and sat down on his bed. Josh listened as she told Sam the latest office gossip which Sam pretended to be interested in. Josh tucked his hands behind his head and closed his eyes.  Things were going well he thought. Since the operation Sam had seemed a lot happier. He was going home in a couple of days and the first part of the plan was going well. Although this was not surprising as the first part of the plan was to not do anything until Sam was home. Josh wasn’t paying much attention to what Donna was talking about until he heard Sam ask, "What stapler?"

"Oh no Sam you can’t deny responsibility just because you’re in hospital. Josh was going to blame me you know." 

Donna continued to tease Sam about pretending to forget his part in the theft of Toby’s stapler and then proceeded to tell him the whole story to refresh his memory. Sam tried to concentrate on her story but he had begun to feel anxious since Donna had first mentioned the stapler. He couldn’t understand why and as he tried to make sense of it Donna’s voice was drowned out by Ginger’s,

_"Sam...it’s Ginger. You better get in here Toby is not happy..."_

Sam tried to sit up a little and collect his thoughts he could feel his heart thumping against his chest. 

_"...so get a move on! Oh...and I think he knows about the stapler."_

Sam’s breathing was becoming faster. He suddenly felt afraid but didn’t know what of.

_"Sam...buddy...I think you better head in."_ Now Josh’s voice was filling his thoughts.

Josh could hear Sam’s breathing and opened his eyes. Donna was chatting away oblivious to Sam who was now ashen faced and breathing hard.

_"Come and hide in my office when you get in. And another thing...I think he knows about the stapler."_

"Josh." Sam muttered. Josh stood up and went closer to Sam.

"It’s alright Sam." Donna, who had gone almost as pale as Sam, stopped talking. 

Unfortunately Josh’s words just sent Sam deeper into his memories.

_"It’s alright Sam I’m here...I’m here Sam."_

Sam couldn’t shake the fear that now clutched him. Josh told Donna to get a nurse but she stayed frozen staring at Sam.

"Donna!" Josh shouted and she raced out of the room. Josh held Sam’s head in his hands and tried to break through to him. He told him where he was and that he had to calm down. He forced Sam to look at him and continued to talk to him until slowly Sam came back to the present and the fear and panic began to leave him. 

Josh didn’t need to ask what had happened he’d had enough experiences of flashbacks to recognise when someone else was having one. He knew too the cause of it; Donna talking about the stapler had brought back the answer phone messages that Sam would have heard playing. Before he could say anything the nurse came hurrying into the room.

"I think you’d better leave."

"I need to talk to him." 

"I think you’ve done enough talking." She started to help Sam lie down and placed her fingers on his neck to take his pulse.

"He needs to rest." She looked up at Josh who stood with his arms folded and was clearly determined to go nowhere.

"Look you’ve obviously upset him it’s best you go now and come back later."

"I need to stay, I haven’t upset him." Josh’s voice was getting louder.

"Well by the looks of things you haven’t been reading him bedside stories either." 

The nurse’s sarcasm only served to infuriate Josh further he was about to answer when Sam spoke, "God, Josh, just leave me alone."

At his words Josh could only stare at Sam who closed his eyes in response. He felt Donna tug on his elbow.

"Josh...please." Donna’s face was pleading with him to follow her out of the room. Josh picked up his coat and let Donna pull him away from the bed. She held on until they were outside of the hospital and back in the car. They drove all the way back to the White House in silence.

* * *

Sam finished what he could manage of the meal and pushed the bedside table away. He had tried not to think about what had happened with Donna and Josh but ever since then he had found more and more memories had returned until now he realised he could remember nearly the whole sequence of events. The only thing he could not recall was the actual stabbing. He had been told by the counsellor who had visited him twice that he may never remember it or he may find that eventually that too would come back to him. Sam sighed and breathed in deeply as he ran his fingers through his hair. He had also come to realise over the past few days that he was dreading going back to his apartment. He knew Josh and Donna had meticulously removed any trace of the attack but the thought of being there again made his stomach flip. The doctor visited less often now and Sam had made good use of his last visit. He had questioned him about how long he thought he had been bleeding before the paramedics came and how long it would have been before he died. The doctor was non- committal in his responses. The loss of blood, stage of shock that he had been in and the damage caused to both lungs had led the doctor to believe that he could have been injured for anything up to two hours. But he did not know for sure and there was something about the desperate way that Sam was asking that made him even more guarded about the responses he gave.

Donna and Josh had hardly spoken to each other since the incident in Sam’s room. Donna felt awful that she hadn’t realised how Sam was reacting to her words and Josh was glad to be able to place his feelings of guilt on someone else for a while, even it was unjustified. Josh picked up the phone and dialled a number just as the ringing tone began he placed the receiver down. He had tried to phone Sam three times already this morning and each time he had ended the call before it had begun. Although he had visited yesterday they had not spoken to each other about what had happened. When Josh tried to ask Sam about it he just replied that he had felt ill and just panicked a little. This was nonsense and both men knew it but Josh also knew that forcing Sam to talk would just make him shut him out even more.

The night before Sam was due to go home Leo decided to attempt another visit.

"You’re not going to puke this time are you?" he asked as he poked his head around the door.

"No." Sam smiled.

Leo walked over to the side of his bed and put a couple of books on the table.

"I know you’re gonna be bored. I thought these might kill a few moments."

"Thank you." Sam turned the books so he could read the spines and raised his eyebrows.

Leo saw the look and explained. "I read about them in the Times review."

Sam smiled and nodded and waited for Leo to explain the real reason for his visit.

"Listen Sam it’s great you’re going home and we’re all looking forward to you being back at work..."

"But..."

"There’s no but here Sam...but..." Both men smiled.

"I was talking to the President and he wants you to know that you’re not to come back until you’re ready."

"I’m ready now Leo I feel a lot..."

"No hear me out. By that he means you make sure you’re ready physically but also mentally." Sam lay back against the pillows, he knew where this conversation was heading.

"We know you’re doing really well and that’s great but no one knows, least of all you, how you’re doing...in here." Leo pointed to his head.

"Leo, look, I’ve spoken to people here...I don’t remember much anyway. If the president wants me to see someone I will, of course, but believe me there’s no point." Sam wasn’t lying; it would be a waste of time. He had spent two excruciatingly embarrassing hours sitting in silence with the hospital’s counsellor. She had used all of her skills to try to get Sam to open up but to no avail. 

_"I’m sorry I’ve wasted your time." Sam had apologised as she was about to leave. "If you’d asked me about my father we probably could have had quite a chat." The woman had smiled at Sam and replied,_

_"You haven’t wasted my time. If you don’t want to talk I can’t make you. But remember what I said, it’s likely you will want to sooner or later. Just make sure you know who you’re going to go to when that happens."_

Leo stood up and put his hand on Sam’s shoulder. "Well just try not to drift off into space like you just did next time you talk to the President!"

"Did I? I’m sorry...I keep doing that." Sam gave Leo a sheepish smile.

"Home tomorrow then?"

"Yeah Josh is picking me up."

"That’s good Sam. You’ll really feel like you’ve turned a corner when you get back in your own place."

"Yeah," He quickly changed the subject. "So Margaret thinks someone’s stealing flowers here?"

"Can you believe it? The total tonnage of useless information I have to listen to..." Leo sat back down. Sam knew that this rant would continue for quite a while and certainly long enough for him to recover from the churning stomach the thought of going home had produced.

Josh went into work extra early the next morning. Sam was being discharged at two o’clock and Josh had cancelled what couldn’t be rescheduled so that he could spend most of the afternoon at Sam’s apartment. Josh called for Donna. He had forgiven her for upsetting Sam and she had forgiven him for blaming her for it. 

"Donna!" Josh called again.

"You should get going."

"I’m going. How long have I got?"

"You’ll need to be back here for five."

"Ok." Josh grabbed his coat.

"Have you got the keys?" 

"I’ve got them."

"Both of them?"

"Yeah."

Josh patted his pockets feeling for his car keys and headed out the door. Donna stood with her hand held towards the door for a few seconds before Josh dived back in and grabbed the keys to Sam’s apartment from her.

It had taken quite a while for Josh and Sam to get out of the hospital. Many of the nurses stopped to say goodbye and Sam seemed in no great hurry to leave so Josh didn’t rush him. When he was in the car Josh handed him the keys to his apartment. He soon wished he hadn’t for Sam spent the entire journey home juggling them from one hand to the other.

"You don’t need to come up." Sam said as Josh held the door open for him.

"Sam!" Josh couldn’t believe that Sam would expect Josh to just drop him off at the door.

"I’m sorry Josh...of course come up...I don’t know why I said that."

"Well you wouldn’t have stopped me anyway so..."

They took the lift to Sam’s floor and Josh walked behind him as they approached the front door. Suddenly Sam stopped walking and stood still. Josh said and did nothing, he just waited, after a while Sam continued walking. Josh stood with his back to the wall as Sam fumbled with his keys. He tried not to look at him but when he dropped them Josh bent down and handed them to him. As he put the keys in Sam’s hand he noticed they were shaking. Sam tried again to put the keys in the lock but this time he stopped and still facing the door muttered, "I can’t...I’m sorry...I can’t go in." Before Josh could respond Sam was on his way to the elevator and headed back to the car. 

Josh put one hand over his ear to block the noise of the passing cars while he waited for Toby to answer the phone.

"Well the first part of the plan isn’t going well." Josh began

"Oh God, what’s going on?"

"Well at the moment Sam’s puking all over the sidewalk...did we plan for that?"

"You’ve got to make him go in."

"I’ll tell you what, you come and make him go in."

There was a pause while Toby waited for Josh to calm down.

"If he doesn’t go in there today he never will."

"Yeah." Josh looked at Sam who was now sitting sideways out of the car wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve. 

"We didn’t plan for this." Josh said quietly.

"No." Toby agreed quietly, "Make him go in Josh."

Josh snapped the phone shut and walked over to Sam.

"Okay here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to go up, let myself in and make some coffee, then you’re coming up after me."

"I really don’t think..."

"If you don’t do it now you never...look what would you do if you fell off your boat?"

"I appreciate the sea-faring analogy you’re about to make but if I fell off my boat and didn’t get back on there’s a good chance I would drown. If I don’t go into my apartment the worst thing that could happen is I’d have to stay with you for a couple of days."

Josh waited. The two men stared at each other until Sam looked away run his hand through his hair and said,

"Okay let’s try again."

Josh smiled and let out the breath he had been holding. "Right...good...I’m going up then just...you know...take your time." Before Sam could change his mind Josh turned and walked away.

Sam could smell the coffee before he entered his home. He put his hand on the doorframe and as good as pulled himself through the door. Josh kept himself busy in the kitchen. The first thing Sam noticed was the identical rug that Josh had replaced. He also noticed the answer machine flashing and suddenly found he was unable to move or take his eyes off the bright red light. He was still standing there when Josh came out with the coffee.

Josh put the cups down and walked over to the machine and pulled the plug out of the wall.

"Let’s drink this in the kitchen." He said as he gently took Sam’s elbow and led him out of the room.


	5. Killing Time 5

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Sam sat at the kitchen table while Josh cleared away the coffee cups. 

"Thanks for the rug." Sam broke the silence.

"No problem." Josh opened the freezer door. "Check this out."

Sam walked towards Josh who was standing with the freezer door wide open.

"I asked Donna to pop a few meals in here and look what she’s done."

The freezer was crammed full of food, ready meals, bread, milk and even some home cooked food. 

"Wow that’s impressive." Josh said as he started to pull out and read a few random cartons. "She didn’t do this for me. I just got two day’s worth and the rest of the time I had to order in."

Sam smiled, "No you didn’t Josh." He shut the door and Josh felt the cool air rush over him. The two men stood in silence until Josh’s pager bleeped. He noticed how Sam jumped at the sound. 

"It’s Donna I’m due back. In fact I’m late." Sam nodded but made no move towards the door.

"I better head off then." Josh walked into the living room and asked Sam a question. He spoke too quietly for Sam to hear and hoped it would force him out of the kitchen. 

"What did you say?" 

"I said are you going to go lie down?"

"Oh...yeah. That’s a good idea." Sam started walking towards his bedroom. As he reached the door he turned suddenly and asked, "See you later?"

"Me and Toby are coming, it might be late though, do you want us to call first to..."

"No!" Sam’s sudden outburst surprised Josh. "I mean don’t phone it doesn’t matter how late it is."

Sam watched Josh as he gathered his coat and keys. On his way out he reached down and plugged the answer phone back in. After he had left, Sam walked into the bathroom to look at the glass in the window. Josh had told him that he couldn’t find the same pattern so his windows didn’t match anymore. Sam stood for a while absently running his finger along the pattern in the glass. He walked back into the living room turned down the volume on the phone, let the messages play then deleted them. He unplugged the machine again, turned the ringer off and headed back to the kitchen. It was the only place in his apartment that held no memories. It was the only place he felt safe. 

 "Tell me again what he said." Toby was sitting with his hand on head leaning on his desk.

"He said he couldn’t go in...he couldn’t get the key in the lock he was shaking." Josh stood by the window, his hands on his hips, he was staring at Sam’s desk.

"And after?"

"It was weird. He was quiet. I knew he didn’t want to be there but it was the best thing to do right?" Josh turned to face Toby and met his stare. Before he could answer CJ appeared at the door.

"Did he get my message?" Josh sighed he knew CJ had left an answer phone message for Sam welcoming him home. He hadn’t told Toby that he had found Sam staring at the machine and had turned it off. But that was because he hadn’t told him what had happened with Donna at the hospital. He didn’t like to think of Sam listening to those messages.

"I think he listened to it after I’d gone." Josh hoped he was right. He had plugged the machine back in and he was sure that’s what Sam would have done. 

Josh made his excuses and left. CJ walked further into the office.

"So what’s the secret?" she asked and wasn’t deterred by Toby’s puzzled expression. "You and Josh and the huddling."

"Excuse me huddling?" Toby was playing the innocent.

"Yeah it’s what people with secrets do in corners."

"There’s no secret. Don’t you have a briefing?" Toby could see CJ was not going anywhere. He sighed, stood up, gestured for her to close the door and began to tell her how Josh and he were going to be the sentinels of Sam’s mental health.

When Sam heard a knock at the door three hours after Josh had left, he was still sitting in the kitchen. He walked slowly to the door opened it and stepped aside as Toby and Josh entered. 

"Have you eaten?" Josh asked as he walked past Sam and into the kitchen.

"No I..."

"Did you get some sleep?" He called from behind the open freezer door.

"No it was..."

Josh closed the door and studied the younger man.

"What have you done for the past three hours when you should have been resting?"

"I just...I rested you know I just...the window looks good."

Toby watched the two men as Josh allowed Sam to change the subject and began an animated description of the man who had replaced the glass in the bathroom. Josh prepared the meal while Sam sat at the kitchen table. When the meal was ready they ate at the table and only when Toby had finished making the coffee did the three men move into the living room again. It wasn’t long before Sam fell asleep, coffee cup still in his hand. Toby and Josh watched television for a while and then discussed whether they should wake him now or later. Halfway through the debate Josh’s attention was caught by the answer phone plug lying on the floor. Sam had also disconnected the lead from the back of the phone. While he was putting it back in, Josh discovered the ringer button had been turned off. 

"What’s wrong?" Toby disrupted his thoughts.

"Nothing, Sam must have forgotten to plug it back in." Josh lied as he switched the ringer back on. They decided to wash up, let Sam sleep for a while longer and then wake him. 

"Are you going to stay?" Toby asked as Josh put the last of the plates away.

"I thought I would. Just tonight you know first night home."

After they had woken Sam Toby left. Josh announced he was staying the night and Sam helped him make up the spare room. Half way through the night Josh lay awake wondering if staying had been the right thing to do. As dawn broke, and he helped Sam wake from his second nightmare, he was glad he had.

Leo walked around to the front of his desk and stood with his hands in his pockets staring at Josh.

"So he’s doing good?" 

"Yeah he looks so much better now. He’s bored stupid and can’t wait to get back here."

"It’s a damn shame they didn’t catch him. That would help him, knowing he was locked up." 

"I don’t know, we haven’t really talked about it." Josh looked at Leo the older man was studying him carefully.

"Is he seeing someone?"

"He told you he would and he has."

"And..." Leo prompted.

"And what Leo? You asked him to see someone and he did."

"You know what I’m asking here. Is he fit to come back to work?"

"I don’t know I’m not a shrink. What, are you going to fire everyone who sees a psychiatrist?" Josh’s voice was rising. "Do you report to the President after every AA meeting?"

As soon as the words left his mouth Josh regretted them.

"I’m sorry that was a crass thing to say."

Leo nodded.

"Yes it was. His job’s safe Josh. We’re just trying to make sure that we don’t have a repeat of last Christmas."

"You don’t have to worry Leo, me and Toby are taking care of that."

"Oh God! Why do I get the feeling that is going to result in all of us needing to see a counsellor?"

"Who’s going to see a counsellor?" Josh automatically stood as the President entered the room. 

"No one sir. We were just discussing when Sam will be coming back to work." He explained.

Bartlet put down the paper he had been reading and peered over his glasses at Leo. "He’s okay to come back?" Leo took the file Bartlet handed him.

"I think so sir."

The President and Josh left Leo’s office. Bartlet was pleased to hear that Leo thought he was okay to come back. Leo was pleased that Josh had assured him Sam was fine. Josh was just hoping he was right. Sam just needed to get back to work he decided. ‘Last Christmas’ happened because he had been at home too long with too much time to think. Everything would be okay if Sam came back to work where he and Toby could keep an eye on him.

Sam sat on the floor in front of the wardrobe. He had decided that tidying it out might help rid him of the nightmares. As he pulled the contents out he remembered back to the morning of the attack. He had been here then, looking for his sneakers. He remembered that and he remembered how he had heard a noise. The next thing he remembered was lying on the floor...waiting. He stood up and walked towards the rug in the living room wondering what had happened between his bedroom and the living room. He wished it would come back to him and then at least the fear of remembering would be gone. He went back to the bedroom and started rummaging through the piles of stuff that he had pulled from the wardrobe. A sudden noise stopped his actions. It was nothing but to Sam the fear that someone was in his home again was very real. He dropped what he was holding and stood up. His mind was racing and the rational part of his brain was quickly giving way to the fear that was beginning to invade his mind. He couldn’t breathe, was shaking hard and felt dizzy.  He walked over to the door and shut it tight, leaning against it he slowly sank down to the ground. He forced himself to concentrate on his breathing like the nurses had told him to after his nightmares in the hospital. This was the same, he thought, this was just panic. Slowly he gained control of his body and his emotions. He put his head on his knees and focused just on his breathing. He sat like that for a while until he felt his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. 

"Yeah...hello."

"It’s Josh, why aren’t you answering the phone?" Sam had switched the ringer off again after Josh had left earlier. 

"I was in the...couldn’t...hear it." Sam thought he sounded normal but there was still breathlessness to his voice that Josh picked up on.

"What have you been doing? You sound out of breath."

Sam clutched his hair in his fist and tried desperately not to scream ‘I’m scared shitless Josh’ instead he replied, "I’ve been cleaning...the wardrobe...I..." At the catch in Sam’s voice Josh realised something was wrong. He stood up and reached over for his car keys.

"What’s wrong? I’m coming over...tell me what’s wrong."

"Nothing Josh it’s nothing...I’ve just done too much probably. Don’t come. You don’t need to. I’m fine Josh, I’m fine." 

Josh sat back down. Sam was not fine. He could hear it in his voice and the garbled words. There was a long pause until Sam broke the silence and spoke  more steadily.

"Really I’m fine now. I’ll see you later." Sam ended the call and left Josh feeling even worse than before. The sooner he came back to work the better, for one thing was becoming clear; Sam really wasn’t ‘fine’ at all.

Sam’s desk had remained untouched since the day before the attack and Toby had decided it was time to straighten it out. He reached behind him and threw another pile of paper in to the waste bin as Josh came into the room and sat down opposite him. Neither man spoke for a while. Toby had moved onto sorting through the various bottles of pills and vitamins on the desk occasionally stopping to throw some away. 

"These went out of date months ago." He mumbled to himself.

Josh continued to sit in silence as Toby stood and went into his own office. He returned after a short while with a few files which he placed on the desk.

"What are those?"

"Things I want Sam to work on nothing too demanding." Toby placed the files in an order known only to him.

"Don’t give him trivial stuff, he’ll hate that." Josh absently flipped open the cover of one of the files.

"It’s not trivial, I just don’t want him to be weighed down on his first day back, that’s all." Toby stood up and nodded towards his office and Josh followed him, he waited for him to enter and then closed the door behind them.

"I’m not going to see Sam tonight and I don’t think you should either."

"Okay, is this a new part of the plan because you really need to tell me if you’re going to change it like that?" Josh sat down on the sofa.

"I’m telling you now. Sam is home and we haven’t got him to talk yet."

"Yeah." Josh agreed.

"We think he’s not eating properly despite having enough food in his freezer to feed a platoon."

"Yeah."

"We know he’s not sleeping and we’re pretty sure he’s scared witless of being alone in his own apartment." Toby walked away from his desk and over to the window.

"Yeah. You know when you put it like that it really sounds like our plan isn’t working," Josh watched Toby turn away from the window and cross his arms. "So not going over tonight is a good idea because..."

"Because it occurs to me that Sam hasn’t spent an evening alone since he got home and I think that’s what he needs to do. He’s coming back to work on Monday and if we want things to return to normal then we need to stop spending so much time there."

Josh rubbed his hand over his face. He was tired and he had to admit the thought of going home to his own bed was a tempting one. What Toby didn’t know was that Josh had stayed a number of nights at Sam’s after he had left. But then again the list of things Toby didn’t know was increasing by the day, not least of all Sam’s panicked phone call to Josh earlier on. "I think you’re right but I don’t think today’s the day to start." At Toby’s puzzled expression Josh took a deep breath and explained what had happened on the phone earlier and later that night he went through the pretence of putting on his coat as Toby left only to take it off again as Sam shut and bolted the door. 

* * *

Sam listened to the raised voices of Josh and Toby. He was going back to work tomorrow and the two men had been filling him in on what had been happening while he had been away, until they had started _arguing_ about what had been happening. 

"That wasn’t why you held the meeting Josh."

Wait I..." Josh began

"That wasn’t why you held the meeting. This isn’t an opportunity for you to re-invent the week...you held the meeting because you messed up the phone call." Sam smiled as he listened to Toby’s exasperated voice increase in volume on the last few words. He had spent the day with his mother which meant he had been away from the apartment for most of it. Last night was the first night he had spent alone and he was secretly celebrating today that he had got through it and even managed to sleep for a few hours. He continued to listen to the heated exchange which Josh was still losing while he prepared sandwiches and coffee.

"Okay, first, you weren’t there and second, how do you know I didn’t mess up the call on purpose?" Josh now stood with his hands on his hips facing Toby.

Toby held his head in his hands and groaned, "You’re standing there telling me you planned it all now and you want a reason why I know you didn’t?

As Josh nodded the phone started to ring.

"Can someone get that?" Sam called from the kitchen. Toby started to rise but Josh stopped him.

"Oh no, you don’t get out of it that easily."  Toby sat back down and looked up at Josh who still stood, hands on hips, waiting for his reply.

"Can someone please answer the phone?" Sam called again. If the two men hadn’t been so focused on their debate they would have noticed the strain in his voice.

"You’re not that bright that’s one reason and another one is you hadn’t read Leo’s notes before you made the call which is why..." Toby started shouting again, "you messed up the call in the first place." Josh was just trying to come up with a suitable face-saving response when both men jumped at the sound of the kitchen door slamming open.

"God, can someone just stop this damn phone." As he spoke Sam strode towards the phone and swiped at the receiver. He sent it flying into the air and crashing against the wall, on its way down it knocked a picture to the floor shattering the glass. 

 The silence that followed was just as shattering. Sam stood one hand on the wall the other running through his hair he was breathing hard and his eyes were tightly closed. Toby and Josh stood staring at him stunned by his sudden outburst. Toby gestured for Josh to go to Sam as he replaced the receiver and started to clear up the glass. Josh walked slowly, he didn’t want to startle him. "Sam." There was no response, "Sam!" Josh called more loudly. He stood by his side and put his hand on Sam’s shoulder which made him jump but at least look at Josh.

"It won’t go away." Sam whispered.

"What?" Josh gently pulled him onto the sofa.

"The fear it keeps...I can’t...it won’t stop." Sam was shaking now and his breathing was becoming harsher. 

Josh crouched down beside him. "You have to calm down Sam or you’re going to hyperventilate or have a panic attack or something..." Josh trailed off as he realised that that was exactly what was happening. 

"Okay Sam just breath slowly in and out...in and out...that’s it...you’re fine."

He put his hand on Sam’s back and tried to coax him out of his panic. Toby finished clearing away the mess and listened to the sounds of Sam’s gasps slowly returning to deep breaths and then a more relaxed pattern of breathing. Sam’s eyes lost the look of terror at not being able to catch his breath and his gaze rested on his clasped hands as Josh slowly stood and fetched a glass of water. When he returned he found Toby had taken his position by Sam’s side and was quietly talking to him. He stood, took the glass from Josh and followed Sam into his bedroom. 

When Toby emerged he found Josh fiddling with the phone.

"I should have told you about this. I think Sam has been turning the ringer off and I know he hasn’t been using the answer phone." Josh admitted.

"He just told me. He said he’d had such a good day with his mother that he forgot about his ‘phone phobia’. That was the first time he’d heard it ring. He started to tell me about hearing it and the answer phone messages when he was attacked, but I stopped him." Toby collapsed onto the sofa.

"I thought we were meant to get him talking about it?"

"Not like this. But this is good it’s a... breakthrough. He’s admitted that he’s frightened so that’s got to be a good thing."

"So what do we do now?"

Toby picked up the remote and put his feet up on the sofa. "Honest to God Josh, I haven’t the first idea. Let’s see how he gets on at work. Let’s just wait and see."


	6. Killing Time 6

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Sam walked slowly down the corridor towards his office. It was early and the cleaners were still finishing their work. He opened the door and walked over to his desk. Some messages were neatly stacked on top of a pile of files. He hung up his coat, sat down, reached over and opened the top file. It was a job that any of the communication staffers could have done and he knew it would be before he had opened it. He didn’t mind, in actual fact he was glad. He couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything for too long and he secretly feared that his writing would not be up to standard. He knew Toby and Leo were being very understanding and patient but he also knew that he could not rely on that for too long. He was also beginning to feel tired of everyone’s concern. He was grateful to Toby and Josh but he also sensed that part of the time they were acting out of guilt. The worse thing was that lately he had started to think more and more about how long it had taken Josh to find him. Sam sighed, closed his eyes and leant back in his chair. It would pass, he told himself, just like the nightmares and the panic attacks and the fear. It would all pass eventually. 

"It’s good to see you Sam."

Sam jumped up as he opened his eyes to see the President standing in front of his desk.

"It’s good to be back sir." Sam shook the offered hand and found his grasped by both of Bartlet’s.

"I had a feeling you would come back to work before my wife thought you should. Has Toby left you some work that would insult an intern?"

Sam laughed, "Yes sir, I think he’s easing me back in."

"Well let him Sam. Take your time and accept the help that’s offered."

Sam told him that he would as his hand was grasped by the President once more.

* * *

Ginger poked her head round the door and disturbed Sam from his note-taking "Leo wants you to see him before staff." 

"Okay thanks." Sam mumbled in response. He hated to admit it but some of the files were actually quite interesting. He worked for a little while longer and then left for staff five minutes early. 

"Hey Sam, come in, sit down. I just wanted to see you before everyone else got here." Leo motioned to Sam to sit, signed a few documents that Margaret was waiting for and then came and sat down next to him.

"So how are you? Mrs Bartlet thinks you’ve come back too soon"

"I’m good." Sam sensed Leo wanted more information so he continued, "The Doctors are really pleased with the wound. I feel fine, a bit tired I suppose at times, but apart from that..."

Silence followed and Sam looked away as he became uncomfortable with Leo’s stare.

"Josh told me you saw someone at the hospital."

Sam suddenly remembered Leo’s request the day he had visited him and realised that it wasn’t Sam’s physical health he was asking about but his mental health. Leo was surprised to notice a look of anger flash across Sam’s face and waited for him to reply.

"I saw someone Leo. I told you I would and I did. I saw someone twice at the hospital and once afterwards."

"Hey calm down. This isn’t a cross examination. I’m just... we’re just concerned. We want to make sure that everything is okay- that’s all we’re doing here." 

There was another uncomfortable silence in which Leo continued to study Sam whilst he studiously looked at anything apart from Leo.

"Are you planning on seeing someone again?"

"Why?" Sam stood up "Why?" His voice increased in volume as he started to pace. "Why do you think that if I keep talking about it everything is suddenly going to get better?"

"You’re an intelligent man Sam, you know that talking about it can help." Leo stood up too and walked over to him. "You know, last Christmas..."

"Please Leo don’t...just don’t start another comparison between this and what happened to Josh. There is going to be no sudden revelation. I know I was stabbed, I know I could have died and I know I was frightened and I’m dealing with it." Sam spoke in a calm, low voice and managed to hide his emotions from Leo that were threatening to overcome him.  He sat down again and was relieved when Leo said nothing but sat down next to him. 

"Just tell me this; if you find you need help do you know where to get it. I don’t mean us, I mean professional help."

Sam looked up and held Leo’s stare. "Yes and if I need help I will but I don’t at the moment. I just need to be here working...getting back to normal."

Sam wasn’t lying. He believed that he was doing as well as could be expected. He was finishing the antibiotics today, he was sleeping better and the nightmares were becoming less frequent. 

"Everyone copes in different ways. You can’t keep comparing my...recovery to Josh’s is all I’m saying."

"Okay then that’s all I’m going to say on the subject. You know to get help if you need it. That’s good enough for me." Leo was lying he didn’t believe Sam was okay. In fact after this conversation he was convinced he wasn’t but there was nothing he could about it. He couldn’t force Sam to get help and nothing had happened that would make him even start thinking about giving him an ultimatum about getting help or working in the White House. Leo sat behind his desk and watched the senior staff enter the room. He noticed a series of looks between Josh and Toby and wondered what they knew that they weren’t telling him. He looked at Sam, still red-faced from his outburst, avoiding his friends’ eyes and diligently fiddling with his tie and wondered what he wasn’t telling them. 

After the meeting Josh caught up with Sam who had bolted out of the room as soon as it was over.

"How’s it going?" He asked breathlessly finally catching up with him at the door to his office.

"Oh okay. A bit tired but it’s good to be back." Sam sat down and opened one of the files. He really didn’t want to talk to Josh now. He knew he would want to know what Leo had said and he didn’t want to have to go through another discussion about his current state of mind.

Josh glanced at Toby through the window and purposefully walked out of his view. "What did Leo want?"

Sam closed the file and turned his chair to face Josh. "Welcome back, don’t work too hard you know, what you’d expect...but genuine...I don’t mean he was just saying it, though who would blame if he was because it must have been hard having Toby covering for me and I know you haven’t been here much during the past few weeks not that I don’t appreciate it because I do but you know there’s some pretty important things that we should be doing not in these files maybe but other stuff,  you know you have stuff and Leo was just saying that really...you know...welcome back." Sam took a breath.

"Wow...well your lungs are obviously back to full capacity." Josh shook his head and smiled. "I’m going to go talk to some people who won’t rant at me now."

"Okay." Sam put his glasses on and returned to his work. 

Sam worked solidly through the rest of the morning. Four people offered to get him lunch and after he had come back from the mess five more came to check that he’d eaten something. During the afternoon though Sam found he was left alone and he made the most of solitude. Toby came and peered through the dividing window a couple of times and although Sam was grateful for his boss’s concern he made a point of not looking up but just carrying on ploughing through the files which he had almost finished. 

He was still working when Donna came in with a cup of coffee.

"I didn’t get to see you earlier so I bought you this."

"You made me a drink." Sam smiled then frowned and looked at Donna with a confused expression. "You never make drinks."

"Well it’s a special ‘first day back’ drink. It’s the same as my ‘you might get fired today’ drink but with less sugar." Sam grinned at Donna and reached to take the cup from her. He did so at exactly the same time as she started to put it down which resulted in some of it spilling over his hand.

"And this is why I don’t make drinks for people." Donna explained as she helped Sam hunt for a tissue. Sam grinned at her as he held his arm downwards to let the liquid drip onto the floor. 

"I had some tissues in here somewhere. I think Toby tidied my desk whilst I was away and I..." Sam stopped in mid sentence his attention had been caught by something in the drawer but Donna couldn’t see what it was.

"Sam, have you found them?" He quickly shut the drawer, sat up and shook his arm.

"It’s alright, it was only a little bit, it’s dry now." He took a sip of the coffee, "Will I be getting a ‘second day back’ drink tomorrow?"

"It depends. I’m unpredictable." Donna deadpanned. 

When she had left Sam closed the door behind her and returned to his desk. He pulled open the drawer, reached down and took out Toby’s stapler. He’d pieced together Ginger and Josh’s answer phone messages after his panic attack in the hospital. He remembered stealing the stapler for Josh and asking him to make sure it was put back on Toby’s desk. He knew that for some of the time he had been lying there bleeding Josh had been panicking about the stapler. He also knew that it was totally irrational for him to think that Josh hadn’t come because of it. But there was still a part of him that couldn’t understand why Josh hadn’t come and the thoughts he had had when his mind had been clouded with fear where the thoughts that stayed with him now, irrational or not. He put the stapler to the back of the bottom drawer, pushed the other items over it and went back to work.

By five thirty he was finished and he walked into Toby’s office and dumped the files on his desk. "Give me some proper work tomorrow."

"You’ve done them all haven’t you?"

Sam nodded.

"They were meant to last a couple of days Sam. Couldn’t you have strung them out a bit?"

"I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I just spent two weeks in hospital and believe me, I know it’s an idiom, but I’m beginning to think it could actually be possible to ‘die of boredom’." 

Toby lifted the files off the papers that they had landed on and handed Sam a notepad full of jottings. "Take that home and have a look tonight we’ll work on it tomorrow."

Smiling, Sam took the pad from Toby and turned to leave.

"You going home now?" Toby asked as he reached the door.

"Yeah you didn’t need me did you?" Sam looked better than he had for days but he looked tired too and Toby was pleased his deputy was not trying to prove anything by staying late.

"No you head off...you did good today." Sam smiled he knew Toby wasn’t talking about the files.

* * *

Sam took the elevator to his apartment he usually took the stairs to compensate for not getting enough exercise but today he was too tired to even think about it. He pulled one of the double doors open and collided into the person who was coming through the other side. Both men took a few seconds to compose themselves and then the man took a step to the left at the same time as Sam, he then took a step to the right as Sam did. He started to chuckle, "Shall we dance?" 

Sam didn’t answer he had turned deathly pale and was shaking.

"I’m sorry...are you alright?" 

When he got no response he lifted his arm with the intention of gently shaking Sam who was standing staring at the floor. At his action Sam sprang into life mumbled, "Sorry." And hurried to his apartment

"Hey I didn’t mean to..." Sam’s door slammed shut, "...startle you." The man said to the empty corridor.

Inside his apartment Sam sunk slowly to the ground. His door was directly opposite the bedroom and he stared at it as memories of the attack began to invade his mind. Sam put his head in his hands, and closed his eyes as the whole sequence played through his mind. He had known he would remember sooner or later but he had thought the memories would return gradually or in a nightmare, not like this, not like the whole thing was happening again. Sam sat on the floor struggling to control his breathing but once he had it under control he found he could not control the images that were running through his head. With the images came the sensations that he had felt with them. He used the door handle to pull himself upwards. He wasn’t thinking clearly. He wanted to rid himself of the memories but was still panicking and didn’t know how to do it. He switched the television on and turned up the volume. He knew he should take a sleeping pill and just try to sleep or at least lie down but the thought of going into his bedroom increased his sense of panic. He thought of phoning Josh but didn’t think he could cope with waiting for him to come. He thought he was going insane and would never be able to rid his mind of the images. When his sight fell on the bottle of whisky he stopped thinking and suddenly knew exactly how to stop them.

Mindless music accompanied the weather maps that flashed across the screen of the television. The only other sound in the room was the tinkling of glass as Sam’s shaking hands poured the whisky. He drank half of the liquid before collapsing onto the sofa. He had not eaten since lunch and he had drunk no alcohol since he had been in hospital. Those effects, combined with his tiredness and anxiety, gave the alcohol a head start and it soon began to calm him down. He reached for the remote, muted the sound and continued to drink until the images blurred and then left his mind and he sank back against the sofa, glass resting precariously on his lap, and fell asleep.

Josh sat on CJ’s sofa his eyes closed and his brow furrowed in concentration. CJ leant forward on her desk waiting for his reply. 

"In five steps?" He asked.

"Yeah." CJ tapped her pencil on the edge of the pad.

"Right here it is; Jack Lemmon was in Some Like it Hot with Tony Curtis...

"Keep going Halliwell."

"Tony Curtis was in Trapeze with...Charlton Heston."

"Kirk Douglas."

"Right who was in...Spartacus, who else was in that?" 

"Tony Curtis but you’ve already used him."

Josh stood and started pacing listing the names of film stars. CJ was waiting to speak to Leo and Josh needed to speak to Toby both of who were locked in a meeting. Josh had a feeling that the meeting was about Sam and CJ did too so they lost themselves in a game of film trivia and avoided the subject altogether.

Sam woke to find the glass had tipped over and the remnants of the whisky spilt over his leg and the sofa. He wasn’t sure how long he had slept for and he couldn’t remember how much he’d had to drink but he was pretty sure that going to sleep would be a good idea. He knew he couldn’t face going into his bedroom so he stood up gingerly with the intention of making his way to the spare room.  As he stood a wave of nausea came over him. He reached out and held onto the arm of the sofa as the room started to spin. When the nausea and spinning passed Sam moaned as a throbbing began in his head so severe that it forced him to sit back down. He squinted at the flashing clock on the video and realized that he had only been asleep for an hour. He stared at the bottle. He was sure that he had only had a glass and yet he felt like he had woken with a killer hangover. He tried to stand again and this time he made it to the kitchen where he splashed cold water on his face. He held onto the sink and decided when he had got himself together enough he would go and phone the doctor.

* * *

"They were journalists...you know...Tony Curtis and Kirk Douglas." What had begun as a distraction was now a full blown project.

"It wasn’t Kirk Douglas it was Burt Lancaster." CJ explained.

"That’s good we need him." Josh scribbled through a name on his list and tucked the pen behind his ear. "You know I might phone Sam he always knows this stuff."

"He’s probably in bed he was really tired." CJ came and sat down next to Josh and studied the list, "But we do still need Cary Grant."

"I’ll phone his cell phone then I won’t wake him." Josh grabbed the phone and started to dial. He was secretly glad of an excuse to phone and check that he was okay.

Sam was reaching for the phone when he heard his cell ringing- it was in his jacket that he had draped over the chair. He fumbled in the pockets, the pain in his head was now sickening and each ring of the phone seemed to blast to the center of it.

"Hey Sam you weren’t asleep were you?" As Josh spoke the room started spinning and Sam eased himself down onto the floor.

"Sam?" Josh called into the phone.

"I’m here...I don’t think...I don’t feel..."

"Sam what’s wrong?" 

"I don’t know...I was asleep...I just feel..." His voice faded again.

Josh didn’t think Sam was having a panic attack his speech was too slow for that, too slurred "Sam are you drunk?" Josh’s tone displayed disbelief.

"Drunk...not too much...don’t feel well now...feel ill." Sam was now lying on the floor his stomach was churning and the room was still spinning.

"Sam where are you?" Josh stood up and stared at CJ who was looking back at him.

"On...floor." 

 Josh took a deep breath before replying as calmly as he could, "At home Sam, are you at home?" 

"Yes...on floor at home...not well." Josh grabbed his coat and keys and gave the phone to CJ, "Keep talking to him I think he’s drunk but he sounds really out of it." CJ nodded and grabbed the phone as Josh flew out of the office and down the corridor.


	7. Killing Time 7

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

When Josh walked into Sam’s apartment the sight that greeted him was one he had hoped he would never see again; Sam curled up on the floor. Josh knelt down beside him and took the phone out of his hand.

"CJ I’m here, it’s alright, I’ll phone you back." Josh flung the phone down and shook Sam whose eyes opened immediately and tried to focus on Josh. He felt Sam’s pulse which was racing, he felt hot and his face was flushed. Josh helped him to sit against the back of the sofa. Josh had seen Sam drunk many times but never like this. He scanned the room to find some clues to explain his condition but everything was in its place and the bottle of whisky was nearly full. Suddenly a terrifying thought struck Josh.

"Sam did you take any pills?" He shook him as he spoke.

"No...don’t think I...no." The last no was a definite one and Josh sighed in relief. Sam grabbed hold of Josh’s arm and tried to pull himself up.

"Feel sick." He mumbled.

Josh helped him to his feet and into the bathroom. He stayed by his side until he had finished and laid him back against the side of the bath. Sam was breathing heavily and was having trouble focusing on Josh. He noticed his face was flushed and he felt his pulse. He had no idea what a normal pulse was but he knew that Sam’s was racing.

"Jesus Sam what’s wrong with you?"

Sam responded to Josh’s voice and tried to sit up a little straighter. 

"Josh...I still feel sick."

"It’s alright, what else is wrong?"

Sam was looking straight at Josh now. "My head...my head feels like...worse headache ever."

Sam closed his eyes and slipped towards Josh who shook him gently, "Sam I don’t know what’s wrong but I don’t want you falling asleep." Sam put his hand against Josh’s chest and pushed himself back up.

Josh helped him back to his original position and said more to himself than Sam, "I’m calling an ambulance."

"No...no Josh please...doctor...call doctor." 

Josh studied Sam for a moment and decided he would call the doctor first. Sam was clearly not well but he was talking and was making sense. After he had given him some water Josh went back to the kitchen and pulled the doctor’s number off the fridge, the magnet that was holding it in place flew off and landed on the other side of the room.

* * *

Toby was just coming out of Josh’s office when he saw CJ heading towards him.

"Where’s Josh he was meant to be waiting for me?"

"He had to go. I’ve got to see Leo quickly. Get your stuff together and meet me in the lobby." 

"We’re going to Sam’s aren’t we?" 

"Yes we are." CJ replied as she disappeared out of sight.

* * *

Sam closed his eyes and listened to Josh’s side of the conversation with his Doctor.

"I don’t think he’s drunk that much...a lot yeah I didn’t think he was going to stop... I think so...headache yes...like a rash and flushed...he’s finished them I think hold on."

Josh came back into the bathroom and started rummaging through the pharmacy. He knelt beside Sam and asked, "What pills are you taking?"

"Finished them today."

"Where’s the bottle?" Sam closed his eyes and felt Josh shake him.

"Where’s the bottle Sam?"

"Waste bin."

Josh tipped the contents of the bin onto the floor and rummaged through until he found the empty bottle which he took back to the phone.

"He took the last one this morning...me-tron-id-azole." Josh spelt the name of the antibiotics out slowly. "That explains what...oh I see...yeah...yes...no I can stay...and if that happens?"

Sam tried to stand as he listened to Josh finishing his call to the doctor but his legs gave way and he slumped to the floor again. He wanted to tell Josh that he had remembered the stabbing but the throbbing in his head was now so bad he could hardly think let alone talk. He opened his eyes as he felt Josh beside him again. "It’s the antibiotics, you weren’t meant to drink alcohol with them...they told you that at the hospital why did you...."

Josh was interrupted by Sam moaning and slipping further down the side of the bath. He was holding his head in his hands but had both fists clenched. "It doesn’t matter we’ll talk later...you need to get to bed."

Josh helped him to stand, wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled Sam’s arm over his shoulder. They made slow progress to the bedroom and Josh realized he was taking more and more of Sam’s weight. As they reached the door to the bedroom Josh was suddenly halted by Sam placing his hand on the doorframe. "What are you doing? You’ve got to lie down."

He managed to ease Sam’s hand off the door and continued guiding him to towards the bed. "No...Josh stop." 

Sam couldn’t stop Josh from moving forwards so he slumped to the floor instead. "Damn it Sam stop fighting me you need to lie down." 

"Not here...please...let me get out." Josh couldn’t make sense of Sam’s behavior. The doctor hadn’t said anything about him being confused. He decided to get Sam into bed and phone again. He knelt behind him and started to hoist him up. It was the suddenness of the blow that knocked Josh flying backwards rather than the force of it. He stayed on his back feeling his bloodied nose and registering the fact that Sam had found the strength to hit him. The sounds of Sam stumbling and cursing made him get to his feet and follow him. He entered the living room just in time to see him staggering towards the front door.

CJ and Toby stood on the other side of the door.

"Maybe we should have phoned first." CJ wondered aloud.

"You were the one who had us dashing over here. Do we need to be here or not?"

Before CJ could answer the front door swung open to reveal Sam’s anxious face closely followed by Josh’s bloody one. Sam was hauled back into the room by Josh who swung him round to face him. CJ and Toby quickly entered the apartment and watched the scene being played out in front of them.

Josh was gripping Sam’s shoulders. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Sam didn’t answer. The strength that his panic had provided had now left him and he slumped forward onto Josh who struggled to lower them both to the floor. For a while no one moved and then Josh looked up at Toby.

"Help me get him to the spare room." 

He didn’t know why Sam didn’t want to go into his bedroom but he certainly wasn’t going to try to make him. The two men lifted him off the ground and made their way to the room. Once there Josh hovered by the door while Toby took off Sam’s shoes and loosened his tie. Josh went to the bathroom and returned with the empty waste bin which he placed by the side of the bed. CJ came in with a tumbler and a jug of water and pulled a chair over to the bed. Josh told CJ and Toby what the doctor had told him about the antibiotic Sam was taking being dangerous when mixed with alcohol. 

"He said we have to ride it out. Let him sleep if he wants but keep a close eye on him. He still feels sick and his head is really bad. I suppose it’s a bit like alcohol poisoning." He suggested.

"But without the actual getting drunk and having fun part." Toby commented dryly.

"Why don’t you two go and make some coffee or something. I think it’s going to be a long night." She helped Sam to sit and drink some of the water and he smiled gratefully at her.

"You see! The situation calls for a woman’s touch." She said as she gently stroked Sam’s forehead.

"You’re absolutely right CJ. Who do you think we should call?" Josh asked in mock seriousness.

"You do know you’re bleeding right? From a punch from a man who could hardly stand up." Josh opened his mouth to answer but his face disappeared from the door as Toby pushed him out of the room.

CJ sat with Sam for a long time. After Josh had cleaned up his nose and made Toby look at it twice to check it wasn’t broken, the two men sat, watched television with the sound off, and waited for CJ to emerge.

At one point Josh turned the volume up as the sound of Sam vomiting was too much for him to listen to. And at one point he thought he could hear Sam crying and that was when he suddenly realized he needed to go and move his car incase he got a ticket.

When he came back to the apartment he was relieved to find that Sam had finally fallen asleep. CJ was sitting on the sofa looking exhausted while Toby was just quietly closing the door to Sam’s room. Josh came and sat down opposite CJ. "I asked him why he’d had a drink when I found him but he didn’t answer. I know it says not to drink with most medicines but this was like a serious ‘do not even take a sip’ type warning. I can’t make sense of this."

CJ sighed. "I can." She lifted her shoeless feet up onto the sofa. "He remembered the stabbing, he bumped into someone...well it doesn’t matter how but that’s what happened he remembered the stabbing and he came into the apartment in a bit of a state and started to drink in the hope that it would calm him down."

Josh walked over to the still open bottle of whisky and put the lid back on. He knew what it was like to try to block memories with drink. He also knew it didn’t work.

Josh turned and looked at CJ and then quietly asked "Did the stabbing happen in his bedroom?" She nodded.

"Did he tell you what happened?" Josh had now turned away from her again.

"No not really... just... well just that it happened in there and he remembered it. I didn’t want to push. He was getting upset." 

"He said something else...something you’re not telling me."

On hearing this Toby, who had sat listening silently to the whole exchange, joined in. "No, no, no, we are not having this conversation now. We are going to sit here watching television with the sound off and hopefully CJ is going to carry on this...maternal thing of hers and make some sandwiches and we are going to sit here until we know Sam is ok and then we’re going to go home apart from Josh who will pretend he is going home but will actually be staying."

"You knew all the time?" Josh was amazed at Toby’s revelation.

"No I suspected it but you just confirmed it." Toby replied.

CJ smiled and went to check on Sam, Josh made the sandwiches because he knew where everything was and while all this was happening Sam slept. 

* * *

Toby had fallen asleep soon after eating. It was getting late and the low murmur of the television and the warm room had induced sleep in CJ as well. Josh stood in the doorway to Sam’s bedroom. He found himself trying to picture what had happened. Had the man walked in and surprised him? Was Sam in bed...no he was dressed and ready for work. He walked further into the room and sat on the bed. Why did he think it would make it easier if he could picture the scene? Maybe the man had just come in and attacked him before he had even realized he was there. He allowed himself to be comforted by that thought until reality took over and he knew that Sam would have been aware of every terrifying moment. Josh’s thoughts were interrupted by a noise coming from the room next door. He sat up straight and listened. The noise came again this time louder. It was followed by an unintelligible murmur. Josh walked quickly to the doorway and the noises became louder. A sudden shout startled Josh and woke CJ and Toby. It was followed by another cry, "No...here." 

Toby started to rise but Josh held his hand up "I’ve got it." 

He started to make his way to the room but stopped when he heard. 

"I’m here Josh...you’re not looking..."

Toby made a move towards the spare room but Josh held him off. "I said I’ve got it." He spoke angrily and Toby backed off.

Sam’s nightmares had become more elaborate recently. After the intruder’s voice whispered that Josh wasn’t coming, Sam would lie and continue to wait. Sometimes he could see Josh trying to find him but something would be in his way, sometimes he could see Josh but Josh wouldn’t be able to see him and sometimes, like now, Josh would be standing at the end of the room but not paying any attention to Sam’s pleas. 

"I’m here...look...I’m right here." Sam’s voice was begging Josh to look at him. Josh walked towards the bed and gently shook Sam but it didn’t have any effect.

"Sam I can see you...I can see you now." Josh hoped his voice would break through to Sam but he continued to thrash and tried to release himself from Josh’s grip. Josh shook him more violently.

"I can see you...wake up." 

He woke suddenly, lurching upwards. Josh didn’t let go of his arms until Sam muttered. "Jesus." And fell back against the pillows. He didn’t seem to notice Josh who sat in silence until his breathing had slowed.

He handed him a glass of water "Do you feel any better?" 

Josh heard a mumbled ‘yes’ as Sam turned on his side.

"Do you want anything?" Silence, "Can I get you anything?"

The room was dimly lit but Josh was able to make out the shake of Sam’s head.

He headed for the door but stopped dead in his tracks when he heard him whisper. "Why didn’t you come?"

Josh stood with his hand on the doorknob, his back to Sam. "I did...as soon as you said you felt ill, I came straight here."

"No...when I was stabbed...why didn’t you come?"

Josh didn’t reply. It was the question he had dreaded Sam would ask and for all the times he had gone over the answer in his head he couldn’t think of a single word to say now.

"I waited...I was waiting." Sam mumbled the words and Josh knew he had fallen back to sleep. He stood for a little while longer and then released his tight grip on the door handle and walked into the living room. Toby was perched on the back of the sofa and CJ stood by him they both stared at Josh.

CJ was about to ask if Sam was okay when she noticed Josh’s face, it was drained of color and he was trembling slightly. He walked over to the door, picked up his coat and bag and started hunting for his keys.

"I’ve got to go now...can you stay? I can’t stay." He was talking rapidly Toby noticed the keys on the armchair and picked them up.

"What happened?" He tossed the keys from hand to hand. It reminded Josh of Sam in the car when he had brought him home. He said nothing and held out his hand for the keys. Toby put them in his pocket. 

"I’ll stay but you’re not driving home in that state."

* * *

When Toby returned from taking Josh home CJ was in the kitchen putting away the last of the washing-up.

Toby entered the room and sat down at the table.

"Did Josh tell you what happened?"

"No. What did Sam say to you earlier?"

"Nothing he was just upset." CJ carried on wiping the plate even though it was dry before she had picked it up.

Toby stood up, reached over and took the plate out of CJ’s hands. "What did he say?"

She put the towel down and sighed. "He asked me why no one came to help him. He was feeling sick Toby and I think he was a little... confused he didn’t really know what he was talking about." Toby waited for CJ to continue, "He told me the man had come into the bedroom and he had tried to calm him down but he pushed him down on the bed and held him and then stabbed him" CJ paused and looked at Toby, his face was expressionless, "He said that if Josh had come then he would have been alright...and as much as he can’t cope with thinking about the attack it’s the memories of waiting for someone to find him that he can’t cope with."

Toby started spinning the plate slowly in his hands. "That doesn’t sound like confusion to me."

"Oh yeah what does it sound like?" 

"Clarity," He spun the plate high into the air, caught it and put it back on the side.

"No I don’t think...it wasn’t like that. I just verbalized the thoughts of a very frightened man. He didn’t sit up in bed and say ‘I realize how I feel now’ he was saying it like he still believed it. God Toby, he believes we left him waiting on purpose. I don’t think he’s even begun to come to terms with what happened."

"Do you want me to lie on the sofa and tell you about my mother?" 

CJ ignored him, she knew her words were making him uncomfortable, "How many times do you and Josh have to tell each other that Sam is fine before it comes true because if I join in maybe we can speed up the process. Sam is not fine and you know that and Josh knows that, you just don’t know what to do about it." 

CJ stopped and Toby looked up at her, there was no flippant comment from him this time just a look of total exhaustion. "Work out what to do Toby because if you don’t Leo will."

Toby sat for a long while in Sam’s room after CJ had left. He sat and he listened to Sam breath and he tried to work out what to do.


	8. Killing Time 8

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Toby cursed as the plate rolled along the kitchen floor and crashed into the fridge. He had managed not to make any noise up till now and he had been planning to let Sam sleep until just before he left. He crept towards his room, peeked in and was relieved to see he hadn’t woken. He had called Sam’s doctor when he got up and arranged for him to call in the afternoon so he decided he would shower and eat breakfast and then wake Sam before he left.

By the time Toby was ready to leave Sam had woken up and was trying to summon the energy to actually get out of bed. Although his headache was now only a dull throb his stomach was still unsettled and any movement he made caused both to protest and forced him to accept that lying down was the best option for now. He pulled the sheets back over him and listened to the noises coming from the kitchen. It never occurred to him that the person making the noise was anyone else than Josh, so he was surprised when Toby walked in with a tray.

"How are you feeling?" He asked as he placed it on the bed.

Sam cleared his throat before replying that he felt better than he did last night.

Toby studied him while he handed him a drink.

"Well you certainly look better. I’m going to have to go but I want to see you eat something first."

Sam reached for a piece of toast and took a bite.

"Your doctor’s coming this afternoon. You might want to prepare for a lecture on the stupidity of not reading the instructions on medications." 

"I’m sorry I can’t eat this." He placed the toast back on the plate. "Did Josh go?"

The question threw Toby off guard. He wasn’t sure what Sam remembered from last night but he realized that this could be his only chance to find out.

"He left quite early, I drove him home." Sam digested this information and then looked surprised.

"You drove him- didn’t he have his car?"

"I thought it was best, after what happened, he was in a bit of a state." Toby watched Sam’s face waiting for a sign that he remembered what he had said to upset Josh.

"I’m sorry to cause all this trouble. It must have been tough for Josh...for all of you...I’m sorry." 

"Sam do you remember what happened last night?" Sam raised himself further up the bed and the sheer physical effort it seemed to take astonished Toby. 

"Sure, I mixed alcohol and Metronidazole which evidently is not a good thing to do." Sam shrugged, "I’m fine now, it’s just like a bad hangover I guess."

As he talked Sam reached over for the toast hoping if he finished it Toby would go.

This wasn’t fair Toby decided. Every time he came up with a strategy Sam didn’t play the role he had planned out for him. Right now Sam was supposed to be telling him exactly what he had said to Josh and why he had said it. He was supposed to admit that he remembered the stabbing. He was supposed to ask him for help and let it be arranged for him to talk to a professional and then finally he was supposed to be Sam again, the old Sam, the one that Toby didn’t have to worry about all of the time.

"I didn’t mean that. Do you remember what happened outside in the corridor?" 

"Of course I remember." Toby wanted to ask Sam if he remembered what he had said to Josh but the anger in Sam’s reply changed his mind. 

"Of course you do I’m sorry...and this isn’t the time we can talk later."

Toby collected his things and told Sam to stay in bed when he started to get up to see him out. He made sure he had everything he needed and reminded him again about the doctor’s visit.

"Just sleep Sam and eat something. You shunned my toast and I can live with that, I’ve coped with bigger rejections. But eat something before the doctor comes."

For the first time since he had woken Sam smiled, "Can I just say, although I appreciate your superior toasting skills, the thought of it was making me want to vomit so..."

Toby returned the smile though both were short lived and belied their true thoughts.

* * *

On the street below Josh was getting out of a cab and walking towards his car which still stood outside Sam’s apartment. All the way over he had planned what he was going to say to Sam but now that he was here he knew there was no way he could face him today. He decided to pick up his car and go straight to the White House. That would turn out to be his second biggest regret of the last few weeks. 

* * *

Sam lay in bed for another few hours. The nausea finally left and the headache turned into a dull pain. After showering he forced himself to eat some breakfast and sat at the kitchen table while he finished his drink. He tried to think over what had happened yesterday. He could remember Josh coming and sitting by him in the bathroom but the next thing he could remember was CJ sitting on his bed. He had some hazy images of lying on the floor in the living room but assumed that he was mixing up memories of last night with memories of Josh finding him after the attack. He knew that he’d had a nightmare and he also knew that someone had woken him up but he couldn’t remember who. He considered phoning Josh to check he was okay. He decided not to bother. Josh hadn’t rushed to see if he was okay so why should he? Sam frowned. That was an awful thing to think about him but he couldn’t help it. Sam’s thoughts about Josh were increasingly being followed by an anger that he couldn’t understand. So he didn’t come straight away- big deal. He would have if he’d known what had happened. But he should have known. He should have come. Sam screwed his eyes up and shook his head. He was finding it harder and harder recently to rationalize what had happened- so he decided not to try. Maybe if he went away. Maybe a change of scene would help him to put things into perspective. Sam continued to reason why going away would be a good idea and not once did he acknowledge the fact that perhaps he was just simply running away.

* * *

For someone who had spent half the night awake, CJ looked decidedly chipper. As she appeared in his doorway Toby marvelled at her pristine appearance.

"Why don’t you look like hell? I do and Josh certainly does." 

"Why you say the sweetest things." CJ slumped on the sofa, "I’m putting on a façade, if I was to join you and Toby in playing extras on The Return of the Walking Zombies I think Leo would suss something had happened. He’s used to seeing you and Josh look like this."

"Fair point," Now that Toby studied CJ she really did look like the evening’s events had taken their toll. "I told him Sam had decided he had come back too early and was tired."

CJ agreed that was a good idea. The last thing they needed was to have to start coming up for explanations for why Sam, who actually read the instructions on throat lozenges, had neglected to comply with the instructions of his prescribed medication.

"We’ll need to make sure Josh says the same thing." On noticing Toby’s expression she added, "Have you found out what happened yet?"

Toby rubbed his eyes, "No I haven’t found out what happened yet and do I want to...no I do not but I will because that’s what I do at the moment I listen and I talk and I observe and I seem to be nowhere near even beginning to contemplate what to do about this..." Toby made circles in the air with his arm.

"Hellish situation?"

"Hellish situation CJ yes."

"We’ve got staff." CJ could think of nothing else to say.

"Yeah." Neither could Toby.

* * *

Sam offered Doctor Cooper a drink while he took off his coat and put his bag on the sofa.

"No thank you Sam I won’t be here that long. How are you feeling?"

"I’m fi..." Sam remembered it was his doctor he was talking to, "I feel a lot better than I did this morning."

The doctor looked at Sam and took in the pale complexion and the shadows under his eyes. He knew part of this was due to the rough night but he also knew Sam well enough to know that there must be other factors that were making him look as haggard as he did.

"Okay Sam let me examine you...would you be more comfortable in your bedroom?"

"No! I mean it’s fine here you can examine me here." Sam would have smiled at the irony of the doctor’s question if it hadn’t have been for the panic that rose as soon as his bedroom was mentioned.

Doctor Cooper frowned at Sam’s behaviour. He thought back to Rosslyn and tried to remember how he had seemed then. He remembered that he had coped well with the effects of that night and certainly didn’t display any of the signs of anxiety that he was showing now. He set about examining Sam and asked casually, "Who did the hospital set you up to talk with- anyone I know?"

"Erm I can’t remember her name...I only saw her twice I think. I’m going to see someone soon."

"How soon?"

"I’m sorry?" Doctor Cooper placed the stethoscope on Sam’s chest, ignored his attempts at avoidance and repeated the question. 

"Next week...I’ll phone next week." Sam tried hard to slow his breathing down.

The doctor listened as Sam’s heartbeat, which had been racing, slowed down. He spent the rest of the time lecturing Sam about how dangerous his actions were last night and telling him how serious the consequences could have been.

"Do all your patients get a lecture and examination at the same time?

"No, only the stupid ones." 

"Oh." Sam replied meekly. Doctor Cooper smiled, in the time he had been Sam’s doctor he had grown to like him very much. He grew frustrated with his increasingly poor diet and lack of exercise but was always amused at Sam’s genuine apologies and promises that he would start a new regime tomorrow. Having satisfied himself that Sam was recovering well from the effects of last night he packed away his equipment and then sat down opposite him.

"But what puzzles me is that you’re not stupid and I can’t imagine why you would do something so dangerous intentionally." 

"I took the last one that morning and I suppose I thought they would be out of my system." Sam glanced at the doctor who clearly wasn’t going to buy that one, "I was tired, it was my first day back at work and it had gone really well. I must have just got caught up in thinking everything was getting back to normal and I wasn’t thinking straight." Sam didn’t think Doctor Cooper looked too impressed with that response either.

"Are you sleeping well?" Sam nodded.

"Eating?" Sam nodded again. It was easier to lie non-verbally.

Doctor Cooper lifted his bag onto his lap and tapped his forefinger on the handle. 

"Sam I’d like you to come and see me tomorrow. I’d be a little happier if I could give you a proper examination and I’d like to have a look at how the wound is healing, run a few blood tests. I’d rather err on the side of caution after that infection."

Sam nodded and there was a pause during which the doctor studied Sam who nervously looked away.

"And apart from physically Sam, how are you doing?"

 Sam’s reaction to the question was an answer in itself. He shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, clasped his hands and coughed nervously.

Apart from the effects of last night, Sam was doing well physically; it was his mental state that Doctor Cooper was becoming more concerned about.

"I tell you what Sam, why don’t you come in later this afternoon for that check up. I will have more time and we can talk about how you think you’re doing then. Okay?" 

Sam agreed to the doctor’s request, knowing that he had no intention of being anywhere near Washington this afternoon. After saying goodbye Sam breathed out slowly and leaned against the door.  He felt like everything was closing in on him and decided that going away was the only way he could stop it. He walked over to his bedroom and slowly opened the door. He peeped inside as if he expected to see himself and the intruder at the foot of the bed, so vivid were his memories of the attack. He remembered everything about last night except what he had said to Josh. He didn’t give it too much thought though and just assumed that Josh had freaked at seeing him so ill again. At the moment he was more concerned about how he was going to pack a suitcase in a room that made him panic before he had even entered it. He suddenly pushed the door open and walked over to the wardrobe. Normally a fastidious packer Sam now grabbed clothes out of the wardrobe and flung them into the case, keen to be out of the room as soon as possible. When he was finished he went into the kitchen and started to clear away the breakfast things. As he stood at the sink something bright on the floor caught his eye. He bent over to pick it up. It was the fridge magnet that Josh had displaced in his rush to call the doctor. The magnet was the shape of a boat. Sam put the magnet back on the fridge and went to find his phone book. He had already decided he was going to go but now he knew where he was going to.

* * *

Toby threw the fourth sheet of scrunched up paper into the waste bin and stood up and walked around his desk. He found himself staring at Sam’s empty desk. There was something Sam had said this morning that had not sounded right but he couldn’t think what it was. He had run over their conversation a couple of times but couldn’t think what he had said that was bugging him so much. His thoughts were interrupted by Josh tapping on the window as he walked by.

"Leo wants to see us." Josh didn’t glance back, he had avoided Toby all day and in the end he had given up trying to talk to him, leaving it to CJ to fill him in on Sam’s ‘cover story’.

Toby walked quickly over to Leo’s office and found CJ and Josh both standing by his desk. Both stood in silence which was shattered abruptly as Leo’s voice filled the room and he followed close behind.

"What in the name of all things STUPID did you do?" He entered and slammed the door behind him.

"We’ve probably done lot’s of things to make you this unhappy Leo which particular thing are you talking about?" Josh hadn’t seen Leo this mad for a long time and his joke did little to qualm the uneasy feeling that had settled in his stomach. 

"The thing that has three of my senior staff sitting here looking like shit and the other one on a train to Sag Harbor?"

"What?" Josh sat up straight and glanced at Toby.

Leo perched on the front of his desk and continued to stare at the three dumbfounded staff waiting for an answer.

"Where ...?" Josh asked.

"Sag Harbor." Leo repeated.

"Why?" Before Leo could answer Toby spoke up.

"As impressed as I am with your knowledge of interrogatives Josh I think _we_ owe Leo an explanation and then I think _he_ can fill us in on the what, wheres, whys and whens." Leo nodded.

"Yes and when you have finished explaining it to Leo he can come and explain it to me." Everyone stood as Bartlet entered the room, "Because I’ll be interested to hear why one of my staff was shaking my hand telling me he was fine yesterday and this morning is sitting on a train to..."he gestured to Leo.

"Sag Harbor." He finished for him.

Bartlet perched next to Leo on the desk and motioned for the others to sit. He looked at the four people in the room. Leo looked furious and had done since the call from Sam. He watched the other three slowly taking in the news. His attention was drawn to Toby who groaned and started tapping himself on his forehead.

"You idiot Ziegler."

"Well yes that was going to be the main theme of this meeting." Leo snarled.

"All day I’ve been trying to think of something that Sam said this morning that wasn’t quite right and now, after the horse has bolted from the thing, I’ve remembered." Toby sat down heavily on the sofa. "He said ‘thanks for everything you tried to do it meant a lot’."

"So what has that got to do with anything?" Josh asked irritably, the last thing he needed to hear was Toby fussing about semantics.

"He said it in the past tense." Bartlet said almost to himself. 

CJ turned to Josh, "He’s given up on us." There was no sense of drama to CJ’s words it was stated as a simple fact. As far as Sam was concerned his friends had done all they could for him.

The next few moments passed in silence. Jed studied his staff again. They looked totally defeated and he could not think of a single thing to say to offer them any hope or encouragement.

"This is crap." Josh suddenly uttered and then realising who was sitting in front of him apologised.

"No that’s alright Josh, the crappiness of the situation hadn’t escaped me. Besides I’m pretty sure it’s only the oval office we’re not supposed to swear in." Josh’s half sigh, half laugh led to the tension lifting slightly. "I was just sitting here looking at you all and thinking that I didn’t know what to tell you. The fact is I can’t tell you that I know everything will work out in the end because you’re all pretty astute people and I think you’d know I was lying. But I do know this; no one in this room has any reason to reproach themselves. Now I’m going to go back to my office and you’re going to stay here and tell Leo what happened last night that led to Sam’s departure and involved, if I’m not mistaken, a bloody nose. With that Bartlet patted Leo on the shoulder, stood up and left the room.

Toby began to pace and explained the events of last night while Josh absently stroked his still tender nose. CJ explained what Sam had told her had happened in the corridor and then Josh finally told them what Sam had asked him. When they were finished Leo sat for a while in silence the other three sat and waited when he finally started to speak Josh leant forward expectantly.

"He called me half hour ago and told me he was taking the sick leave that the first lady had advised him to. I asked him exactly how long that was and he couldn’t remember..." Leo shook his head and sighed "he told me to ask the first lady." 

Josh had stood and walked over to the window when Leo started talking, he stared out of it as he asked, "What are you going to do?"

"I’m going to fire him."

Josh spun round so fast he nearly lost his balance and started to walk towards Leo with his hands held up. "Hold on...hold on...we’re not there yet. We’re nowhere near there yet." 

"Well where exactly are we then you tell me because so far all I’ve heard from you is ‘he’s good Leo he’s doing great’, yeah well he’s obviously doing just swell isn’t he." Both men stared at each other- they had unleashed their anger at the situation on each other and as they stared it drained from both of them. Leo sat down on the edge of his desk "I’m not going to fire him Josh." 

"I know." Josh walked over to the sofa and sat down next to CJ. 

The four sat in silence slowly coming to the same conclusion which Toby eventually voiced.

"Well then we wait. We can’t do anything else." 

"For how long?" Josh asked, "Let’s at least set a time limit."

Leo stood and suddenly the atmosphere became business like. "Okay, let’s give it a month and then it will be time to think again." Toby nodded and left the room CJ followed, Josh rose from his seat but didn’t move.

"Do you know where he’s staying?" He asked as Leo began sorting through papers. 

Without looking up he answered, "You know I do Josh and you know I won’t tell you so that was a waste of a question but here’s one for you," he put the papers down and made sure Josh was looking at him before he began, "How did this happen? I mean from what Toby said you knew he was having nightmares you knew he wasn’t coping so how did this happen?" Leo was not accusing Josh of failing Sam he simply could not understand how things had got to this stage.

Josh put his hands in his pockets, took a deep breath and looked down at the ground. "You know a wise man once told me a story about two men and a hole." 

Leo smiled, "Yeah I know that one."

"Yeah...This time I think I was meant to be the man who showed the other guy the way out."  Leo waited and then Josh looked up at him, "Thing is...I was too frightened to go back in." 

Josh walked back to his office. Once there he shut the door behind him and turned his chair to face the window and sat down, one arm on the arm rest and his chin on his hand. Nearly 300 miles away Sam sat on the Acela Express hurtling towards New York. His position almost mirrored that of Josh’s. Both men continued to stare out of their respective windows. They were not able to focus on the view; they could only see the images that haunted them still. 


	9. Killing Time 9

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Sam sat and listened as the seagulls called overhead. It had been raining when he had started his journey but now the sun was shining. He breathed in the familiar smell of the sea and let his head fall back against the seat. The journey had tired him out. He started to drift off and didn’t hear his name being called.

"Sam...Sam...Pinafore!" There was only one person who called him that and he opened his eyes to see his friend Adam walking towards him grinning. He was a good looking man, tall, athletic with thick blond hair. Sam rose quickly holding on to the bench to counter the wave of dizziness that passed over him as he did so.

"Adam...God it’s good to see you...how long has it been?"

"Too long." He replied as he hugged Sam. He laughed at Sam’s tight embrace. "Careful, we managed to squash those rumours at college you know." Sam laughed in return as Adam grabbed his bag and led the way to the car.

The journey to Adam’s place took Sam along the coast and past the harbor. He listened to him talk as he took in the sights that never failed to fill him with a sense of peace. There was something about Sag Harbor that lifted Sam’s spirits and he vowed that when he got back to work he would make the effort to come back here more often, if he went back to work, if he went back at all.

"...even if it was a shitty reason that got you here." Adam had been filling Sam in on the gossip but now his voice took on a bitter tone and disrupted Sam’s thoughts.

"I’m sorry what were you saying?" He turned to face his friend.

"I said it’s great to see you but it’s a shitty reason that you’re here....man..." Adam shook his head, "I bet they haven’t caught him have they? We pay all these taxes and for what...I tell you if someone ever broke into my place I wouldn’t leave it for the police to find him I’d make damn sure he never got out but then you end up being the..."

Sam did the only thing he could think of to stop Adam’s words; he reached over and switched on the radio. He smiled apologetically, "News," he explained, "you can take the man out of the communications office but..." He shrugged and smiled. 

Adam lost his train of thought and to Sam’s relief did not continue his rant on the pros and cons of vigilantism. They drove the rest of the way in silence.

* * *

Josh sat across from Toby. Senator Plowden was stalling they all knew it. He had nothing to gain from not accepting Josh and Toby’s offer and much to lose. But he continued to sit and discuss and argue with them anyway. Toby rubbed his thumb across his forehead as if sheer brute force would drive the developing headache away. He was about to put forward his final point to the senator when Josh stood up abruptly causing his chair to topple and then fall to the floor.

"Josh?" Josh stared at Toby in response and mumbled something about needing to get some air. Toby picked up the chair and made his apologies to the Senator and followed him out.

Toby caught up with him just as he slammed his office door. He didn’t knock and he didn’t wait to see if Josh was alright before shouting at him.

"For God’s sake get yourself together. I’m not going through a month of this."

Josh was stunned at the force of Toby’s words. He wasn’t looking for sympathy but he wasn’t looking for this either.

Toby looked at Josh’s shocked face and continued in a calmer tone, "You can’t go through a month of this."

Josh placed both his hands on his desk and spoke into his chest. Toby had to strain to hear him. "I did it again...I should have gone to see him. I could have talked him out of going...I could have talked to him."

"It was best that you didn’t. He didn’t even remember what he said to you last night. That wasn’t why he went." Toby waited while Josh straightened up. "Come on let’s get back, we can pretend you were overwhelmed by Plowden’s arguments." 

* * *

Sam was lying on the sofa reading a yachting magazine and listening to Adam whistling while he cooked their dinner. The magazine started to slip out of his hands as his eyes closed. Adam came into the room with two beers and sat down opposite him. He watched him sleep for a while, unsure whether to wake him or not. He had known Sam for a long time but didn’t get to see him very often. The last time they were going to meet up Sam had phoned at the last minute saying something about a filibuster. They had the sort of friendship where they could go months without meeting and then pick up where they left off. But this time it was different. Sam had seemed distant and certainly did not want to talk about what had happened. When he had phoned this morning Adam had assumed that he just needed a break before returning to work but now he wasn’t so sure. He decided to let Sam sleep. He removed the magazine and went back to the kitchen. 

By the time Sam woke up Adam had eaten his dinner and was contemplating throwing Sam’s away. He was just removing the plate from the oven when Sam appeared in the doorway.

"I am so sorry Adam." 

"Aah he wakes" He placed the plate on the table and got out a knife and fork, "Idleness is the canker of the mind."

Sam smiled and without missing a beat replied, "Idleness is the appendix to nobility."

"Idleness is only the refuge of...no hold on I’m not doing this if you’re sober. I only win when you’re drunk." Sam smiled and nodded, "Teach thy tongue to say ‘I do not know’."

"Shut up." 

"Okay." Sam sat down and started to eat, surprised to find that he had an appetite for the first time in weeks.

* * *

It was nearly eight o’clock. It was rarely quiet enough in Leo’s office for the ticking of the clock to be audible but he could hear it now. Margaret had long since gone home and Leo supposed himself to be alone and was startled when Josh appeared at the door.

"Josh...Jesus... you made me jump." Josh apologised and leant against the doorframe his hands in his pockets. "I don’t think you’ve asked me for Sam’s phone number today have you finally given up." Three days had passed since Sam had gone and every day Josh had asked Leo to let him know where he was. 

"You’ll crack one day."

"I won’t and even if I did you wouldn’t phone him." Leo stood up and glanced at the clock again.

"Why wouldn’t I?" 

"Because you respect his wishes and you’re big enough to accept that it’s nothing personal- he just needs his space." Leo checked the time again. "Did you want something because I’m really trying to get finished up here?" he asked hoping Josh would take the hint and leave.

"No...sorry...I’m gonna call it a day."

"Well good for you Josh." As Josh walked out the phone rang. Leo waited a few rings before he picked up to make sure he was out of earshot.

"Hey Sam, how’s it going...good that’s good. Have you done any sailing yet?...well maybe next week...sure...he’s fine...yeah everyday...he understands...no one thinks that Sam...is your friend there during the day?...that’s a hell of a drive...oh okay... sure... thanks for ringing I’ll speak to you on Monday." Leo replaced the receiver and started to put his work into his briefcase. This was the third time he had spoken to Sam and each time there was nothing in the conversation to give him cause to worry. But each call left him with an uneasy feeling and he was beginning to find it strange that Sam hadn’t been sailing. He moaned often enough about how he could never find the time and here he was with a whole month free and still he hadn’t been. Leo promised himself the next time he phoned he would ask him outright before he had a chance to end the call like he had tonight. With that thought he hauled his now stuffed briefcase off the desk and made his way home.

* * *

Adam sat and stared at Sam. He held his head in his hands and the tears he had been trying to hold in finally streamed down his face.

"I’m sorry." Sam gasped. He looked up at Adam and then fell back against the sofa as he was overcome by another fit of laughter. "But if you could see your face." He reached for his beer with one hand and wiped his eyes with the other.

"So ten years later you’re telling me he didn’t fall in he jumped?" Sam nodded. "And he wasn’t drowning?" Sam shook his head afraid that if he opened his mouth more laughter would escape. "So he didn’t need saving?"

"No but you didn’t know that and..." Sam raised his hand emphasising the word and forgetting he was holding the bottle caused splashes of beer to fall across the table. "He looked like he might have been drowning...and when they gave you that..." Sam was going to say award but the word was claimed by another fit of laughter. Suddenly Adam jumped up, swayed slightly, and then raised his bottle. "To heroes."

Sam jumped up too and Adam held onto his arm as he staggered forward to clink bottles. "To heroes."  

The two sat up reminiscing for a further two hours. When Sam went to bed Adam switched on his computer and started to work. Although he couldn’t really afford the time, he had taken the first few days of Sam’s visit off and since he had been behind ever since. He had stopped drinking long before Sam knowing that he would be working later on and took a sip of strong coffee as he read what he had written so far. He had been working for an hour when he decided to stop for more coffee. As he made his way to the kitchen a sudden noise made him stop. He stood still for a few moments and heard nothing and carried on his way. As he reached for the kettle he heard it again, it was coming from Sam’s room. He knocked lightly on the door and when there was no reply he entered. He found Sam kneeling in front of the wardrobe pulling the contents out and throwing them behind him.

"What are you doing?" he whispered, "And why am I whispering?" Sam responded to neither comment. "What are you looking for?" He switched on the light and knelt down beside Sam.

"Sam...Sam...what are you doing?" Sam turned his attention to the other side of the wardrobe and Adam saw his face for the first time. His eyes were open but his facial expression was blank. He was totally unaware of Adam’s presence.

"Wow." Adam muttered. He had never seen someone sleep walk before and he sat watching with fascination. After he had pulled the contents of the bottom of the wardrobe out Sam got up and walked into the living room. Adam followed him, moving objects out of his path. Sam walked over to the curtains and opened them he then sat down on the sofa. He stayed there for a little while and then walked over to the bookcase where he started to pull books out at random until he had made a neat pile of them on the floor. Adam realised that he should try to help Sam back to bed but part of him couldn’t wait to see what he was going to do next. He watched as Sam went back to the bedroom and over to the wardrobe. He started putting the things that he had removed back in. When he had finished Adam decided to try to guide him back to bed. He walked slowly towards Sam hoping that a gentle hand on his arm would be enough to move him without waking him. At first Sam responded, he rose and let Adam turn him around so that he was facing the bed and started walking towards it. The trouble came when Adam tripped over something that had not found its way back to the wardrobe. Unable to regain his balance he fell forward taking Sam with him. Both men ended up on the edge of the bed.

"Oh shit," Adam pushed himself upwards and realising that Sam was waking up put his hand on his shoulder. Sam shook him off violently. He was confused and scared; he couldn’t work out where he was or what was happening. He turned over on the bed so he was facing upwards and this time felt a hand on his chest shaking him, holding him, holding him down. Sam panicked and struggled upwards. Adam grabbed at his arm as he tried to get away from him, "Sam it’s alright...it’s me...you were sleep walking."

He tried to wrestle out of Adam’s grip but he held on. The two men struggled, Sam desperately trying to get away and Adam trying to calm him down.

"Get away from me...please...please." The fear in Sam’s voice stunned Adam and he momentarily loosened his grip. Sam freed himself and made another dash for the door. Suddenly he felt himself being grabbed and pushed against the wall. Terrified he saw the man standing in front of him, shaking him. He felt himself being pushed against the wall again and then the man became Adam and he was shouting at him and shaking him and Sam let him because he suddenly had no fight left. Eventually there was no noise apart from the sound of breathing. Sam held on to Adam’s arms and felt Adam gripping his own, he wasn’t sure who was holding who up so he didn’t let go. Sam’s breath was still coming in shuddering heaves Adam waited for it to slow down, his mind racing to make sense of the past few minutes. 

"I thought it was happening again...I thought you were him."

"Did I hurt you?" Adam pulled Sam away from the wall and led him towards the bed.

"No, did I?" Sam still couldn’t quite catch his breath.

"No...scared the crap out of me though...but I think we’re even on that score." He watched as Sam lay down and waited until his breathing had returned to normal. "Are you going to be alright now? I’ll only be out there. Do you want something to drink...or I don’t know...something?"

"No I’ll be fine now thanks." He pulled the covers over him and closed his eyes. 

Adam left the room and started to put the books that Sam had removed back on the shelf. After he had finished he shut down his computer and poured himself a whisky. His glanced around the room trying to remember if anything else had been disturbed until his vision fell on Sam’s cell phone.  He sat and stared at it for a while and then having made the decision walked over, picked it up, switched it on and searched through the names. Finding the name he was looking for he grabbed a piece of paper and quickly wrote down the numbers for ‘Josh Office’, ‘Josh Home’ and ‘Josh Cell’. He put the phone back where he had found it and folded the paper and stuffed it in his pocket.

* * *

Sam woke to the sight of Adam rushing past his bedroom. He heard a clatter, then a curse, then a bang followed by a louder curse.

"Adam?" Silence, "Adam?" Adam hopped into Sam’s room, he had one leg in his pants and while he stopped to talk to Sam he finished putting the other one in. 

"I’m so late." He started fumbling with his tie. "I fell asleep on the damn sofa."

Sam sat up and rubbed at his eyes. Adam continued to fiddle with his tie and smooth his shirt. He watched as Sam sat up in bed and wondered how much of last night he remembered.

Sam wiped his hand over his face and cleared his throat twice before asking, "Are you in court?" 

"Yeah...how’s that?" Adam spun round and faced Sam.

"You look like you slept on a sofa." 

Sam slipped back under the covers grateful that Adam was too busy to talk about last night.

"Hey Sam...last night...that was just a one off wasn’t it. I mean you just freaked because you didn’t know it was me right."

"Right, and I was probably still drunk." Adam nodded and left the room.

"You should go sailing today." He called from the kitchen.

Sam didn’t answer; he had heard this speech every morning since Adam had gone back to work, "Or not...it’s up to you. My bike’s in the garage if you fancy a ride." His head appeared again, "You know where everything is just help yourself," he disappeared again, "Oh and can you answer the phone if it rings?" Sam sat up. 

"Why will it..." He cleared his throat and started again, "Who are you expecting to call?" Sam suddenly realised that in the past three days the phone hadn’t rung once.

Adam came back in to the room, "There’s this guy who wants to borrow my boat, I’ve written it down it’s by the phone." 

"The phone hasn’t rung since I’ve been here." Sam hoped his voice didn’t sound as pathetic as the thought of the phone ringing was making him feel.

"Well no one knows I’m here. I usually stay in town in the week." He studied Sam carefully, "You feeling okay?"

"I’m fine." 

"Okay," Adam continued to stare at Sam. He didn’t look too bad, a little hung over maybe but then he’d had a lot more to drink than him. "We should go out tonight." He was beginning to worry that Sam didn’t seem to want to go out and couldn’t understand why he hadn’t been sailing.

"Yeah that would be good." Adam looked at the clock, cursed again and flew out of the room. A few moments later he returned.

He stood in the doorway and waited until Sam realised he had come back, "You sure you’re alright?"

"Yes, I’m going to get up in a minute." Sam pushed back the covers as if to prove his intentions.

"Okay...well give me a ring later on and we’ll sort out what we’re doing tonight." 

When he had heard Adam’s car pulling away Sam lay back down and pulled the covers back. For three days he had allowed himself to pretend that the past few weeks had never happened. But he knew that was over now. Last night had ended that illusion. He knew that it didn’t matter where he went, he wouldn’t be able to escape the memories or the fear. And as time went on he realised they were becoming more real, more intense and he knew too that he was going to have to face them eventually. He just didn’t realise that it was going to be today.


	10. Killing Time 10

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Adam had been at work for two hours by the time Sam finally got out of bed. The sun peaked through a crack in the curtains and sliced the room in two. Sam squinted as he walked through it on his way to the bathroom. A nightmare had woken him. He had become used to waking that way. He stood for a while in front of the mirror and looked at his reflection. Through the condensation he saw the pale complexion and dark circles under his eyes and this morning he saw something else. On the top of his arms were marks. When he looked closer he could make out hand shaped bruises on both of his arms. He remembered struggling with Adam and being pushed against the wall. He couldn’t remember anything before that. Sam placed his hands on the sink and took a couple of deep breaths. The water that he had intended to shave with had long since cooled. When he looked up again the sight that greeted made him cry out. Sam stared at his image, smartly dressed, ghastly pale, gasping for breath and soaked with blood. He fell to the floor. He thought he had remembered everything; how he had been stabbed in the bedroom and collapsed before he could get to the phone. Now he remembered going to the bathroom and clinging onto the sink, he remembered his hands slipping and seeing the blood. His hands were wet now but not from blood. Sam wiped them franticly on his jeans; it felt like blood to him.

If that had been all that happened Sam probably could have coped. He could have got himself together, calmed his breathing and maybe phoned Adam, Josh or Toby and spoke to them until the fear had passed. But it wasn’t all that happened. Before he could begin to attempt to calm down and at the worst possible moment, the phone started ringing. Adam had a phone in the living room and one in his bedroom and both rang now, one echoing the other. It sounded to Sam like one continuous, ominous, sound. He covered his ears and managed to reach the door with his foot and kick it shut.

He stayed in that position and when he finally moved again the water in the sink was stone cold.

* * *

Adam replaced the receiver, got out his cell phone and started to type in a message.

Have you gone out? 

GO SAILING!! 

Will not be home till late L

Adam flipped the phone shut and breathed a sigh of relief. Sam had not been outside of the house since he had arrived. It was a beautiful day and he had obviously decided he had done enough moping. It was Friday, he could work late tonight and then maybe he and Sam could take off somewhere for the weekend. Adam smiled, pleased with his plan, if Toby had been there he could have told him; Sam doesn’t follow plans, he wrecks them.

* * *

Toby was rifling through the contents of Sam’s desk and was so immersed in his task that he didn’t see Josh appear at the doorway. He watched him silently as Toby rummaged through the drawers. 

"What are you doing?" Josh’s voice startled Toby who sat back on his haunches and placed his hand on his chest. 

"I’m trying to stave off a coronary at the moment...what are you doing?" Toby took a few more deep breaths and then opened the bottom drawer. He searched until he finally found what he was looking for. He stood up and showed Josh what he was holding.

"Oh," Josh walked closer to the desk, "Do you think he saw it?" 

"He must have, Donna told me she put it in the top drawer.

"Where did you find it?" Josh stared at the stapler and wondered how such an innocent piece of office stationary could come to represent so much to him. 

"Shoved under some paper at the back of the bottom one." Toby flipped it over in his hand. The two men stood staring at it as it they expected it to do something. In the end Josh took action, walked round the desk, took the stapler from Toby’s hand, threw it back in the drawer and slammed it shut. Toby stood, speechless in front of him his hand still held out palm upwards. Toby was formulating a suitable response when Ginger interrupted his thoughts.

"Toby there’s a Detective Swane trying to get hold of Sam shall I put him through?"

Toby told Ginger to put the call through to his office and both men went quickly to the room next door.

Josh listened to Toby’s monosyllabic responses and tried to work out what the officer was telling him.

"I’m sure he’ll be very relieved to hear that...and you’re certain about the trial?" Toby looked at Josh as he spoke. "Thanks for keeping us informed, I’ll let Mr Seaborn know." He replaced the receiver. "They’ve caught him." 

"Really? That’s incredible...I mean we never thought...Sam’s gonna feel so much better...I’m gonna phone him." Josh reached for the phone.

"Josh." Toby spoke to Josh as if he was a child reaching for a second slice of cake before being invited.

What...this is good news, he’d want to know." Josh was close to whining.

"It’s better than good news; he’s taken a plea and there isn’t going to be a trial. But you’re still not going to phone him." Toby started writing down details of the call for Leo. "Leo can tell him tonight when he calls." Toby didn’t look up again, so Josh left the office and went back to his own. He was mad at Toby but he wasn’t going to let it ruin his good mood. He grinned as he approached Donna’s desk.

"The Gods of justice have smiled down on us and kicked some ass Donna."

"Are there Gods of justice?" Donna asked as her fingers brushed over her keyboard.

"I don’t know but if there are they’re smiling on us. They’ve caught the man who attacked Sam." At this news Donna stopped typing and looked up at Josh, returning his grin.

"Fiat justitia...something...ruat...something," Josh trailed off as he couldn’t remember the rest of the quote. 

"Is that Latin for the Gods of justice kicked some ass?" Donna asked with a straight face.

"You should keep typing...I preferred that." Josh walked into his office and collapsed onto the chair. He swung his legs up on the desk and put his hands behind his head. This was a sign; at last things were going their way. For the first time in weeks he felt that things might turn out alright after all.

* * *

Sam slowly removed his hands from his ears and straightened out. He lay still for a few more moments and then got up. He couldn’t think why he was lying on the floor. He felt cold and confused. All of his movements seemed to take him twice as long as usual and he felt like he was somehow observing himself as he moved about the house. He walked into Adam’s room and found a sweater. He sat on the bed and tried to think about where he was and why he was there, but he couldn’t seem to keep thought processes going for long enough to make sense of the confusing world he now found himself in. He felt angry though, he recognised that feeling. He could picture Josh leaning over him looking worried, turning him onto his side and wiping his mouth, holding him by his shoulders and calling to him and as the images grew so too did the feeling of anger.  He walked from room to room, occasionally stopping and staring into space. He had tried to phone Josh but couldn’t seem to operate his cell phone and in his frustration he had thrown it against the wall. He had watched as it broke into pieces and scattered across the floor. And then he had shouted and cursed and thrown the empty beer bottles at the wall because watching the pieces scatter made him feel better. Somewhere along the way he had convinced himself that this would only end if Josh came, he had to wait for Josh to arrive and then it would be okay. So he went and sat by the phone because that was what was going to happen, Josh was going to phone and this time he knew he had to pick it up and tell him to come and help him. This time he had to let Josh know and then he would come. He sank down onto the floor and placed the phone on the floor in front of him, ready to answer and silence it as soon as the ringing started. He brought his knees up to his chest and crossed his arms around them and he sat and waited for Josh to call.

An hour later Sam had hardly moved. When the phone finally did ring he reached for the receiver with such haste that he knocked it flying and had to crawl over the phone to retrieve it. He heard a voice on the other end calling out hello.

"Josh?" 

"Err no...no...this is Stuart. Is Adam there?"

"Stuart?" Sam almost whispered the question.

"Yes I’m a friend of Adam’s and I’ve made arrangements to borrow his..."

Before he could explain Sam cut in, "Who are you?" Sam’s confusion was clear.

"Look, I don’t know who you are but I’d like to speak to, or leave a message for Adam. Can you take a message?" he didn’t mean to sound patronising but all he wanted to do was borrow Adam’s boat and now he was stuck talking to some idiot who couldn’t seem to get past ‘hello’.

Sam was angry again, "You’re not Josh." He shouted, then in a calm voice he continued, "I’m going to hang up now, I’m waiting for Josh." 

Sam continued to sit and wait. He tried to remember Josh’s cell phone number but he couldn’t. Normally it was a number he knew by heart but now if he had been asked his own phone he would have had difficulty remembering it. After a while he stopped trying to remember and it was then he found that a number came straight into his head. He dialled and Donna picked up.

"Josh Lyman."

"I need to speak to Josh." Donna recognised the voice but not the tone of it.

"Mr Lyman’s in a meeting can I ask who..."

"You have to get him." Sam was shouting again now.

"Can you please let me have your name and I’ll..."

"Sam...it’s Sam Seaborn." His words were met with silence. Donna thought quickly about what to do. She was shocked to realise that it was Sam and that he was in such a state that he didn’t even realise who he was talking to. 

"Just hold on Mr Seaborn I’m going to get him." She rushed towards the Muriel room. After one look at her face Josh excused himself from the meeting and caught up with Donna who had already began to walk back towards his office.

"What’s wrong?" He grabbed her arm and tried to get her to slow down.

"Sam’s on the phone but he sounds...weird...he didn’t know it was me...he didn’t know me." Josh overtook her and grabbed the phone from the desk.

"Sam it’s Josh, what’s wrong?" 

"Where are you?" Josh exchanged a glance with Donna as he heard Sam’s voice for the first time and the tone of it shocked him too.

"I’m in my office Sam." Josh didn’t know what was going on but he knew he had to try to calm Sam down.

"No not where...I mean...why aren’t you here?" 

"Sam, tell me where _you_ are and I can..."

"No you don’t just...you should be here...I’ve been waiting." 

"Sam, listen to me, you need to calm down and tell me where you are. Everything’s going to be okay but I won’t be able to find you if you don’t tell me where you are."

"Is that why you didn’t come?"

Josh felt a wave of panic sweep over him and thought the only thing he could do was play along with Sam, "That’s right I couldn’t find you, that’s why you need to tell me where you are now."

"I’m in...I’m at..." Sam looked around his surroundings, he thought he was in his apartment but now realised he wasn’t, suddenly it came to him "Adam’s house, I’m in Adam’s house."

"That’s right Sam...good...right...is Adam there?" Josh tried to coax Sam out of whatever state he was in.

"No he’s at work."

"You know I’m in Washington right?" There was no reply, "Sam! You know I’m in Washington don’t you."

Josh didn’t see Leo enter the room as he waited for Sam to reply.

"Yeah...yes...I thought you were...it was...yes I’m sorry." 

Leo walked over to the phone and gestured for Josh to put it on speakerphone, he shook his head knowing Sam wouldn’t want Leo to hear him in this state.

"You need to phone Adam if you’re feeling bad Sam, phone Adam and tell him to come home."

"You’re not coming then?" Sam sounded angry again.

Josh glanced at Leo’s puzzled face and Donna’s concerned one before answering, "If you want me to I’ll leave now. Is that what you want?" 

"I don’t know...I think I need to go out somewhere...I’m meant to go sailing...Leo said...and Adam...they told me to go sailing."

"Oh Jesus," Josh muttered before answering, "No Sam that’s a really bad idea. Stay where you are and I’ll phone Adam." Leo frantically scribbled something down and shoved the piece of paper in front of Josh, "Give me Adam’s number Sam...or tell me where he works." 

Leo looked at Josh’s relieved expression as he started scribbling down the name of a law firm, he caught Leo’s gaze and rolled his eyes. He managed to convince Sam to lie down and wait for Adam to get home. When he hung up he collapsed into his chair and looked up at Leo. "I think I’ve got to go down a hole," he said.

* * *

After hanging up Sam did as Josh had told him and went to lie down. While he was falling asleep a stream of phone calls were being made. Stuart phoned Adam to tell him a mad man was answering his phone. He didn’t seem to have a clue what was going on and only wanted to speak to Josh. Adam hung up on Stuart and phoned Sam but it was engaged, Sam had left it off the hook. Josh phoned Adam but he was engaged. Finally Adam found the piece of paper he had scribbled the numbers on last night and phoned Josh. The two men spoke for quite a while. Adam explained he was worried after what Stuart had told him and Josh was able to fill him in on the rest. They arranged that Josh would set off on the next train. Adam made arrangements to leave work early and made his way home. 

Donna told Josh the arrangements she had made for him. If all the connections were on time he could be in Sag Harbour in just over three hours. He just had time to go home, change and grab some clothes; he didn’t know how long he would be staying but as it was a Friday he had the weekend to persuade Sam to see sense and bring him home. Toby appeared in his office as he was leaving.

"Don’t pressure him and don’t make him feel backed in a corner. Don’t try appealing to his logical side because at the moment he hasn’t got one. If you think you’re out of your depth phone me. If he doesn’t want to come back then don’t try to force him. If you think you’re getting nowhere then come back and we’ll think again. Tell his friend what’s been going on and make sure he knows that Leo has only given Sam a month." Throughout his tirade Toby had been pacing back and forth but now he stopped and stood behind the desk.

"Anything else?" Josh asked sarcastically.

"Yeah...don’t drink the coffee on the Acela it’s vile.

With promises to keep Toby constantly updated Josh left the West Wing and began a journey that he had been hoping he wouldn’t have to make and as he boarded the train he hoped he had the strength to face whatever awaited him at Sag Harbor but most of all he hoped he wouldn’t let Sam down again.

* * *

When Adam arrived at his home the first thing he saw were the broken bottles on the floor beside the television. He quickly saw the beer that had now dried on the wall and Sam’s broken cell phone scattered across the room. He called Sam’s name, rushing into his bedroom, and came to a halt when he found him asleep on the bed. He was curled into a ball and looked far from peaceful. Adam crouched down beside the bed and gently said his name. When he didn’t stir he decided to leave him and wake him later.

He had removed nearly all traces of Sam’s rage when the phone rang. Josh had told him he would phone when he was on the train and Adam continued to sweep up the glass with the phone cradled on his shoulder as he filled him in on the latest.

Sam had woken up when the phone rang and lay listening to the one sided conversation. He got out of bed and went and stood behind the door. The sleep had made little difference to Sam and if anything he had woken up more confused. He knew that Josh was coming; he had phoned him and told him to come. He listened to Adam’s voice and tried to make sense of the conversation. Adam was telling Josh about the broken bottles, the phone and the nightmare. Sam listened in horror to the description of how he had behaved last night. He rubbed at the bruises on his arm distractedly. Whatever Josh was saying Adam was agreeing with it. As Adam started to reply Sam realised what he was agreeing to; that he should return to Washington with Josh. He continued to listen until Adam finished the call and then he went into the living room. Adam finished sweeping up the glass and stood up, when he turned round he found himself face to face with Sam. 

"Holy...whoa...Sam you scared the..." Adam struggled to regain his composure, "How are you feeling?"

"Why do you want me to go back to Washington?" there was no emotion in Sam’s voice and his face held no clue to how he was feeling either. 

"I don’t _want_ you to; I just think it might be better if you did." Adam placed his arm on Sam and tried to lead him to the sofa but it was shrugged off.

"I don’t want to go...is that why Josh is coming here?" There was now no mistaking how Sam was feeling. His voice was angry, he was standing with his hands on his hips and as he spoke he took a step towards Adam.

"Josh is coming because you asked him to come. He’s worried about you Sam...we all are."

"We...since when did you and the people I work with become ‘we’?"

"Since I had to phone them to find out what’s wrong with you!" Adam was shouting now and walked away from Sam in order to calm down before he continued. "You need help...I can’t do anything for you but help you hide...that’s why you came here isn’t it, to hide."

"Well you tell me as you obviously know so much about it. You tell me why I can’t close my eyes without seeing...why I can’t stop thinking about...why I keep seeing the same images and then new ones that I’d forgotten all about. Why I’m scared to go into my own home...scared to go to sleep...scared in case the phone starts ringing." Sam was shouting now and walking away from Adam, it was like he wasn’t even aware that he was there any more. "You tell me! Tell me why I was left bleeding...no one came...I could hear them...stupid messages and I was bleeding...I couldn’t breathe...no one came...I was bleeding I could feel it...taste it...I was bleeding..." 

Sam said the last words quietly with a sense of disbelief. Adam didn’t know what to do. He looked at his watch and realised Josh wouldn’t be here for at least another hour. He walked slowly over to Sam, who stood facing away from him, his arms wrapped tightly around himself. 

In retrospect Adam realised that walking up behind Sam probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do. If he had given it some thought he would have paid more attention to the fact that Sam hadn’t acknowledged he was there. He would have called his name until he had a reaction. He certainly wouldn’t have walked up behind him and placed his hand on his back. Sam whipped round with such force that he knocked Adam off his feet. His hand, that he had bought up to protect himself, succeeded in splitting Adam’s lip. The shock of it made him cry out and this cry seemed to break through to Sam. He stood over Adam staring in horror at the blood that was he was wiping away.

"I’m sorry...sorry...I’m sorry Adam sorry." Although Sam was rambling Adam was grateful that he was addressing him directly. 

"It’s alright...I surprised you...my fault, give me a hand up." Adam held out his hand and was relieved when Sam grasped it and pulled him to his feet.

Sam started fussing and insisted on taking Adam to the bathroom so he could clean the cut. Adam was surprised to see the sink full of water and a razor on the floor. He stooped to pick it up while Sam emptied the water and ran a cloth under the tap.

"God Sam, don’t tell me you forgot to rinse." Normally a sarcastic comment about Sam’s penchant for cleanliness would result in an entertaining defence of his actions. This time Sam didn’t reply and just stood wringing the cloth so hard that he had to wet it again before handing it to Adam.

"What happened this morning? You didn’t finish shaving I know that much." Adam threw the razor into the sink.

"I remembered something about the morning I was...I saw myself in the mirror...only it wasn’t me...well it was me but it was what I saw when I was..." Sam took a deep breath while Adam held his, "Adam do you think I should ask Josh why he didn’t..."

Sam’s question was interrupted by the noise of banging on the door. 

_"Adam are you in? You kind of hung up on me earlier and I still haven’t got an answer about your boat."_

"Yeah hold on." Adam shouted, "Why he didn’t what?"

"Nothing I was just..."

_"Adam if there’s a problem with the date I can change it."_

"Why he didn’t what Sam!"

"I can’t stop thinking that he..."

_"If you’ve changed your mind you just should have said so."_

"Damn it Stuart, just give me a minute." Adam grabbed hold of Sam’s shoulders, "Tell me Sam." 

Sam looked from Adam to the door as Stuart continued to bang, "You should get that."

"Okay, look I’ll just get rid of him and then we’ll talk, you can finish telling me what’s on your mind about Josh. Okay?" He shook Sam, "Okay?"

"Okay." Sam echoed.

Adam provided some work related excuse for hanging up on him and to prove there were no hard feelings he fixed another date that Stuart could borrow his boat on. He looked over his shoulder uneasily as he talked, anxious to keep an eye on Sam.

When he finally got rid of Stuart he went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. He started to call out to Sam about making a drink before they talked, he asked him what he fancied but heard no reply. He asked him where he wanted to sit and was again answered by silence. He checked the bathroom and then the bedroom and even before he looked he knew that the back door would be unlocked and the gate swinging on its hinges.


	11. Killing Time 11

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Josh stood by the entrance to the car park and waited. He heard a car horn and saw Adam waving at him. As Josh approached he got out of the car and shook his hand.

"It’s good to meet you, I’m just sorry it’s under these circumstances...circumstances which I’m afraid have got a whole lot worse since we last talked."

Josh listened as Adam explained to him what had happened. He swallowed against the bile that rose in his throat and wished he had taken Toby’s advice about not drinking the coffee.

"Do we need to phone someone? I mean, Sam’s position is...his job...is there someone we should tell about this?"

Josh was still trying to process the information as Sam’s friend and it hadn’t even occurred to him what he should be doing about it as a colleague.

"No, it’s not like he’s missing is it... Sam running out of your house hardly poses a threat to national security and anyway he’s probably just gone to cool off and will be sitting outside by the time we get back."

Adam didn’t reply; he had seen the look on Sam’s face and knew he wasn’t coming back anytime soon.

When they arrived at Adam’s home Josh looked genuinely disappointed to not find Sam sitting on the front steps.

"How do you want to do this? I don’t know the area so it’s probably best if I stick with you. We can...drive round and look or maybe walk...driving will probably be best right, we can cover more ground?" 

Adam couldn’t help smiling. Standing in front of him was the Deputy Chief of Staff of the United States and he looked utterly lost.

"I’m going to phone a few friends who might have seen him, then, yes, we’ll just drive around. I can’t think what else to do."

Josh sat on the sofa listening to Adam asking his friends if they had seen Sam. He then remembered Sam’s ramblings about going sailing. After a fruitless search for the keys to Sam’s boat, Adam phoned the harbor master and told him to stall Sam and phone if he tried to take his boat out.  

Josh looked out of the window as Adam drove down Main Street, stopping occasionally to check bars and hotels. They couldn’t find him and no one had seen him. Josh thought back to what Toby had told him before he left; he continued to scan the people on the street while he wondered if this counted as being ‘out of his depth’.

* * *

Leo stood with his hands in his pockets watching Toby clearing his desk.

"He’ll phone us if there’s a problem." 

"Yeah." Toby threw a pile of paper in the waste bin.

"And he’s not alone- Sam’s friend will be with him."

"Yeah." Toby put on his coat.

"They’ll be fine...Josh will figure out what to do once he’s spoken to Sam."

"Yeah." Toby patted his pockets until he had located his keys.

"What train are you getting?"

"The 16:20." Both men smiled; Leo secretly relieved that Toby had decided to follow Josh and Toby more than relieved that Leo wasn’t trying to talk him out of it.

* * *

Many people walked along the wharf bordering the row of boats in the harbor but nobody noticed the man sitting quietly on the deck of his boat. The sounds of their footsteps and conversations passed him and in-between the only sound was the clinking of metal on the masts as they bobbed up and down. The man looked out at the horizon behind which the sun was setting. He was waiting. He took a long drink from the bottle, let it fall from his hand and watched it roll along the deck. A loud clink heralded the end of its journey as it came to rest alongside two other empty bottles. The man started whistling Ten Green Bottles, pausing to count the number of bottles remaining and then singing the next line, ‘they’ll be four green bottles hanging on the wall’. He continued to wait. He didn’t know what he was waiting for but he knew he couldn’t go on anymore and whatever happened next would be an end to it, one way or another.

* * *

"I think we should stay here for a while and see if he turns up." 

Adam pulled into the drive of his house. He gripped the steering wheel and as he spoke he loosened his grip and slumped back in his seat.

"I’ll fix us something to eat and then we think again."

Josh reluctantly nodded his agreement; "I’m just going to make a quick call." 

Adam left him in the car and went into the house.

Toby answered on the second ring.

"What’s going on Josh?"

"He’s not here...he had some sort of argument with Adam, walked out and hasn’t been seen since." 

"You lost him?" Toby bellowed and Josh could picture him swiping his hand across his forehead.

"I’ve...mislaid him. I’m at Adam’s at the moment, he’s making us something to eat and then we’re going to start looking again."

"I’m right behind you Josh."

Josh was stunned by the sentiment. He knew Toby was just as worried as he was and it meant a lot to know that he had faith in him.

"I’ll do the best I can Toby and if I can’t find..." Josh was interrupted by Toby’s exasperated voice.

"No Josh, turn around- I’m, right, behind, you!"

Josh spun around to see Toby walking up the path towards the car and he jumped out to greet him.

"You have no faith in me whatsoever do you."

"No." Toby clapped Josh on the back and started walk up he drive, "Come on, introduce me to this friend of Sam’s and then we’ll figure out what we’re going to do." Toby waited for Josh to catch up and the two men started to walk towards the house.

After the introductions, the three men sat and talked for a few moments before Adam went into the kitchen to make some sandwiches. It was decided that Toby would phone Leo and explain the situation. Josh sat back and tried to relax. He watched Toby pacing around the living room, talking to Leo. He was relieved Toby had turned up. He didn’t know what to do and felt completely helpless. 

"Ron, has Leo filled you in?" Toby waved his hand at Josh who had stood up at the mention of Butterfield’s name.

"I think they’ve done that...we can check...no we thought it was too early...that’s a good point I hadn’t thought of that...okay and thanks..."

Josh stopped listening when Toby started speaking to Leo again and wandered into the kitchen to help Adam.

Josh looked at the large round of sandwiches Adam had prepared.

"This looks great, thanks."

"No problem," Adam picked up the sandwiches and nodded his head towards the plates for Josh to bring.

Josh and Adam ate in silence as Toby told them what he had discussed with Leo. Ron had suggested phoning the hospitals and hotels. If Sam was still missing in the morning, he was going to send a couple of agents down. 

Adam decided that when they went out again they should split-up. Toby would stay at the house and make all of the phone calls suggested by Ron. Josh would be dropped off at the harbor while Adam checked places he knew Sam had been before. It was arranged that Adam would then collect Toby and they would meet up with Josh.

"If you start here you can do a circuit and by the time you’re finished I’ll be back. Sam’s boat is in the far end of the East Basin." Josh climbed out of the car and watched Adam drive off. As the headlights disappeared he started to walk along the wharf following the signs that would lead him to Sam’s boat.

It was dark and there was a slight breeze. The harbor was almost deserted. Josh read the names of the boats as he walked along; Oracle, Shooting Star, Restless Peace, Maria Pinter. Josh continued to walk and scan the names until his eye caught the name he had been searching for; Hooleelia. He stopped and looked at the boat; there was no sign of life. He walked towards it and as he got closer, he could make out the shape of a figure sitting on the bow. Josh stopped dead. He walked towards the boat until he was standing by it. The figure that he now recognized as Sam had not seen or heard him. He was sitting leaning over the rail at the front of the boat his attention absorbed by the water slowly lapping against it.

"Sam," there was no reply, "Sam," Josh spoke more loudly but there was still no reply, he tried again, "Sam."

"Shh," Sam didn’t turn round, "I’m trying to listen."

Josh walked closer to the boat, "To what?" 

"Shh," Josh stood still, unsure of what to do. He strained his ears; all he could hear was the water lapping against the boats and the masts chinking in the growing breeze.

Sam slowly stood up until he was peering over the rail. He turned round to look at Josh, loosing his balance in the process. He swung back and grabbed hold of the rail again, "It’s a bit rough." Sam started to laugh but the sound of it did nothing to diminish Josh’s growing concern. Sam’s laughter died as abruptly as it had begun. 

Josh took a step towards the boat "What were you listening to?"

"What?" Sam had no idea what Josh was talking about.

"Never mind," he took another step and started to climb onto the boat.

"Get off!" Josh froze at the venom in Sam’s voice, "just get off."

"Okay...okay...I’ll just stand here." Josh backed away from the boat and held his hands up, "Just calm down Sam...tell me what you want to do."

"I’m not going back...you’re not taking me back...if that’s why you’ve come you’ve had a wasted trip." When he had finished speaking Sam slumped to the floor again but kept his hold on the rail.

"You phoned me Sam. You asked me to come." Josh couldn’t see Sam anymore and he bit his lip as he waited for his reply.

"I wanted you to come...I waited...I was listening to my breathing, it sounded wrong. Did you hear it?"

"Yes."

Sam suddenly jumped up, "Hey, did you ever find that stapler...oh hang on...it’s in my desk...I think it’s there...you should have just given it back to Toby...he wouldn’t have minded...not that much...you could have just given it back and then you could have come...I wouldn’t have been waiting so long." As he had talked Sam had walked from side to side of the boat but now he stopped and for the first time looked at Josh directly. "You know I’ve been thinking...it’s stupid I know...stupid...but...did you know...I mean when I was waiting did you know I was there..."

"What? Jesus Sam, no...NO! I came as soon as I realized...I’ve told you this."  Josh’s mind was racing. Sam’s thoughts were jumping from the attack to the present and Josh was finding it hard to keep up with them.

Sam nodded and mumbled something. He picked up one of the empty bottles and threw it into the air. Time seemed to freeze as Josh waited for the splash. 

"You can go now, I want to stay here." Josh walked round to the other side of the boat so that he could get a better view of him.

"I’m not going anywhere."

Sam walked towards the edge of the boat and climbed over the rail. He stared at the boat tied up next to his. "Go away Josh."

When Josh first saw the blurred movement he thought Sam had jumped into the water, it was only when he heard the thud that he realized he had jumped onto the boat next to his. "Go away Josh." He walked over to the other side of the boat. The deck was unfamiliar and he stumbled a few times. Josh stood, eyes wide open, not recognizing his friend. He walked quickly round to the other side of the boat.

"Hey Sam, come on, this is..." Sam jumped again.

He landed awkwardly but straightened up and swung round the pole he was holding onto, "You know there was a battle here once," Sam walked slowly to the opposite side of the boat, "Imaginatively called the Battle of Sag Harbor." Josh walked along the wharf trying to keep up with Sam. "The American raiders were retaliating for the attack by the British on Danbury. It was in May 1777 or April, April or May." Sam jumped again.

"Sam...please...come down off the boats." 

Josh was trapped; he knew that every time he moved level with Sam he moved on to the next boat so he decided to stop moving and see if Sam stopped as well. 

"In the middle of the night the Americans descended on the British, their plan was to reach Long Wharf and set fire to the boats in the harbor." Sam walked over to the side of the boat and leaned over the side. 

"Sam please talk to me...I wont make you do anything you don't want to but please come over here and talk to me." 

"At Danbury the British struck hard, killing 20 and wounding 80 men. General Wooster led his men against the British in five days of running skirmishes. He died later..." Sam climbed on top of the rail, "...of his," he jumped and as he landed he finished his sentence, "wounds." 

Josh gave up trying to stop Sam from moving and hurried up alongside him.

"Wooster wasn’t the hero though," Sam swung himself over the side of boat and leaned over the water while holding onto the rail. "That was Elnathan Jennings who knew Sag Harbor like the back of his hand and led his men to the guard house, took ninety prisoners and set fire to twelve schooners." Sam had finished his story and stood in silence looking down into the water. Josh was so close to him, he debated reaching over and pulling him onto the wharf. As if Sam could read his thoughts, he shuffled further along the boat. He closed his eyes and muttered something.

"I can’t hear you." Josh took a tentative step towards the boat. 

Sam started at the sound of Josh’s voice and nearly lost his balance. Josh raised his arms helplessly as Sam struggled to regain his footing.

"Right, that’s it Sam! You’re getting off that boat...now." 

Sam slowly raised his head and looked at Josh, "Okay." he agreed and without taking his gaze off Josh jumped onto the next boat in the line. 

Josh turned and walked away. He didn’t think he could take much more of this. He stood with his back to Sam, one hand on his hip the other frantically running through his hair. He took three deep breaths before turning round again. 

"Adam was bleeding." Sam spoke as if he had only just realized what he had done to his friend.

"It doesn’t matter...he understands." Josh felt himself shaking and silently prayed that Adam and Toby would arrive soon. Sam held onto the rail behind him and occasionally leant forward over the water but made no move to jump.

"I keep seeing him." Josh didn’t need to ask who Sam was talking about, the way he said ‘him’ through gritted teeth left no doubt he was talking about his attacker.

Josh realized that with everything that had happened he’d had no time to tell Sam the news, "They got him. He’s taking a plea and there’s not going to be a trial...they got him Sam." Sam glanced briefly at Josh but showed no other reaction to the news.

"I can’t..."

"Can’t what?" Josh came as close to the boat as he dared.

"I can’t live with this...this...THIS...I can’t live with this." Sam shouted the words, frustrated at not being able to verbalize his feelings. "Tell me what happened that morning...you’ve never really told me...I want to know why you didn’t...I want to know what happened."

Josh was now standing by the end of the boat. He slowly walked to the edge of the harbor, sat down and began to tell Sam the events that happened the morning he was stabbed. Occasionally Sam stopped him to ask what time something had happened but mainly he just listened.

"It was when you didn’t answer the pager that was when I knew something was wrong. And then I didn’t stop Sam...I swear to God...I didn’t stop until I got to your place."

Sam was nodding slowly. "I know,  when I’m feeling okay I know that’s what happened... but other times...and more and more recently, I believed you didn’t come because...I don’t know why but in my head and in dreams you just left me waiting." Sam leaned back against the rail and slumped over as if he was suddenly too exhausted to hold himself up, "Bad dreams...and I can’t separate them from reality anymore."

"It gets better...in time...it gets better, you have to believe that. I lost sight of my reality...remember?" Josh waited until Sam was looking at him, "Remember Sam?" He nodded and Josh continued, "You get it back, but you have let go of the fear. You have to stop being afraid all the time."

Sam suddenly turned his head away and Josh waited until his friend had gained control of his emotions. After a while he reached towards Sam, "Come on, let’s go."

Sam faced him again; the two men stared at each other. Sam slumped against the rail and Josh, his hand held out, waiting for Sam to move towards him and take it.

Slowly Sam started to move along the outside of the boat. He held on tightly as he shuffled along the edge. He felt exhausted and had to concentrate on every movement. Josh didn’t move. As Sam reached the end of the boat he had to remove one hand from the rail and turn to fully face Josh. He tried to reach the outstretched hand but was still too far away.

"You’re nearly there Sam two more steps." Josh was amazed to see the difference between the fearless jumps Sam had taken when his mind was fogged with emotion and alcohol and the hesitant steps he took now that his body had succumbed to exhaustion. 

Sam leant away from the boat and held out his hand to Josh. Their fingertips brushed and then Josh heard a gasp. Sam flipped backwards, away from his grasp. Josh heard his name but it wasn’t shouted, it was forced out on a breath. The next sound was of a splash and then the swell of disturbed water against the boat and then silence.


	12. Killing Time 12

**Killing Time**

**by:** coupdepam

**Character(s):** Sam, Josh, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** None  
**Category(s):** Angst, Drama  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF laugh) all mine!  
**Summary:** Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.  
**Spoiler:** None  
**Author's Note:**

* * *

Sam is a sailor. He sails. He’s a strong swimmer. But he’s drunk. He’s drunk and he’s tired and he’s just got out of hospital.

These thoughts ran through Josh’s head in the time it took him to fling off his jacket and shoes. Sam did not surface and Josh took one deep breath and dived. He swam a few strokes before he felt something. He grasped at it frantically before realizing it was the posts of the wharf; he followed them back to the top. He scanned the surface and had to wait a few seconds to control his panicked breathing before swimming down again. He felt the posts again and this time pushed himself away from them. He felt something brush against his leg and ducked further down. He groped around the murky water until he felt it again. With relief he realized it was Sam’s arm. He wrapped his arm around Sam and started to swim to the surface. 

As soon as his head emerged, Josh took a gulp of air and trod water while he got his breath back. He had lost his bearings and glanced around him until he could see the wharf again. With one arm around Sam he began swimming towards it. Sam was weightless in the water but Josh knew as soon as his body was out of it he was going to become a dead weight. He grabbed hold of Sam’s belt and hoisted him up onto the wooden platform. He pushed against his back with one hand and managed to swing Sam’s legs up and over the side of the wharf too. He pulled himself up and crouched beside Sam who was still dangerously close to the edge. He placed his arms around Sam’s chest and pulled him back. 

As Sam was moved a gush of water left his mouth and he started to cough and splutter. The water was soon followed by the beer that he had been drinking. Josh placed his knees behind his back to keep him on his side. He had seen Sam vomit more times than he cared to remember recently and he started to rub his back waiting for it to pass. But this time was different, Sam was gasping for air between retches, almost choking. Josh pulled Sam’s chin away from his chest and started to rub his back more forcefully. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do but something he did was working because Sam stopped choking. Josh waited until he had finished and the heaves finally stopped wracking his body.  

While all of this was happening Josh spoke to Sam, explaining what was happening and that everything was going to be okay. He was amazed at how calm his voice sounded and it helped to calm him too. He gently pulled him further away from the edge and onto him so that he was lying between his legs, his head on Josh’s chest. Josh saw one of his shoes lying in front of him and looked around for his coat. It was lying behind him, just out of reach.

"I’m just going to get my coat." Josh started to remove his hands from Sam’s chest but found them immediately gripped by Sam’s. 

"I’ve got to get my phone Sam." He waited a few moments and then felt Sam’s hands relax. He laid him down gently and dashed over to retrieve his coat. He pulled Sam up again and wrapped the coat around him. He fumbled in his pockets for his cell phone, praying that it hadn’t fallen out when he had thrown his coat off. He reached for the inside pocket and pulled Sam closer as he felt the shivers that had started to assault him. He panicked when he discovered that his phone was not in his jacket but then remembered that Adam and Toby were meeting him here and would be here soon. He placed his arms around Sam’s chest and instantly felt him grab them again. They sat like that for a while. Josh listened to the water lapping against the boats and marveled at how something so destructive could sound so peaceful. Eventually he felt Sam shift and try to sit up.

"Need to sit up." Sam placed his hands on the floor and tried to push himself up higher. Josh sat up and pulled Sam up against him.

"Difficult to breath." Sam explained.

Josh knew all about collapsed lungs from his own experience. He knew that it was possible that Sam’s lung would collapse again, in fact after his injury it was quite common. As Josh listened to Sam breathe he decided that the possibility had become a reality.

"Is that better?" He asked.

Sam nodded, "I’m sorry...you...had...to get..."

Josh shushed Sam. He didn’t want him wasting his breath on trying to talk when breathing was costing him so much energy.

"Don’t talk, just try to relax...they’ll be here soon."

"I...didn’t want...this...to..." Sam tried to speak again but this time between the shivers which had worsened and his labored breathing, he decided Josh was right and gave up trying to apologize about the night’s events.

Josh felt the shivers and started to rub Sam’s arms. He felt Sam slide towards the floor, "Sam!"

"Need...lie down....want...on side." Sam obviously felt he would be more comfortable on his side so Josh helped him to turn around and rested his head in the crook of his arm.

"Better." Sam mumbled.

Although he had told Sam not to talk, Josh didn’t stop talking and he peered over every so often, anxiously making sure that Sam was still with him. He talked about the names of the boats, how Toby had turned up unexpectedly and how horrible the coffee was on the Acela. And while he spoke he held onto Sam. Occasionally Sam’s hands would tighten around his and then Josh would raise his voice until Sam’s panic faded and his hands relaxed once more.

"Was better up." Sam started to shift again and Josh helped him to a sitting position.

"Much longer?" 

"No, they’ll be here soon." Josh was already planning what to do if Adam didn’t arrive soon. He decided to give them a few more minutes and then go and get some help. It seemed like eternity, but it had only been a few minutes since he had dragged Sam out of the water and although he knew the sensible thing was to go and get help, he didn’t want to leave him. He had been here this time, and he wasn’t about to leave Sam alone again in a hurry.

A few minutes passed and then a few more and Josh realized he had no choice but to go.

"Sam, I’m going to get some help. I’ll be right back though."

He started to push Sam forward so that he could maneuver out from under him but felt Sam’s hand grab at his arm.

"I’ve got to go...you need help." Sam held on even tighter.

"Don’t care...can’t wait again...don’t make me wait again...can’t." 

"It’s not like last time...I found you...you’re safe but I need to go and..." Josh stopped talking when he found himself suddenly blinded by the headlights of a car as it swung into the car park. 

Josh watched as the two figures stayed in the car. The interior light was switched on and Josh could now just make out Toby’s profile. He was making a phone call while Adam sat looking out of the window.

"I’m not there Toby...come on I’m the stupid one who’s probably fallen in...come and look for me."

Toby hung up and after a brief conversation the two men got out of the car and started walking towards the wharf. They disappeared behind the dock house for a while, but as soon as they come back into view Josh started shouting. 

"Toby, Adam, over here." 

He continued to call until he was sure that the two men were headed his way and he watched them start to run towards him. 

Adam arrived first and immediately crouched down beside Sam. He removed his jacket and Josh was surprised to find it placed around his shoulders. Josh explained he had lost his phone and Adam called for an ambulance then muttered something about Sam’s boat and went running off. 

An out of breath Toby suddenly appeared at Sam’s other side 

"What happened...God, please tell me he didn’t try to..."

"No, nothing like that. He slipped. He kept jumping from boat to boat...it was a nightmare...but then I calmed him down, he was just in reach and...he slipped."

Toby placed his hand on Sam’s cheek and felt the coldness of his skin. He kept his hand there. 

"When he didn’t come up...I, shit Toby I couldn’t find him at first...then when I had him and dragged him onto the wharf he wasn’t breathing...I must have forced the water out when I moved him."

"Side again." Sam started to shift.

Toby muttered, "Oh God," as he watched Josh help Sam onto his side. 

"What...what’s wrong?" Josh couldn’t understand Toby’s exclamation.

"You’ve saved his life. You’re going to be unbearable. Instead of guilt ridden Josh I’m going to have to live with Josh the hero."

Both men looked down at the sudden sound of Sam’s laughter. 

"I’m going to be noble and never talk of it," Josh smirked.

Toby made himself more comfortable on the ground next to Josh, "God help us." He moaned. Josh and Toby thought they heard Sam laugh again, but when the sound was repeated and then continued, they realized he had started to cry. There was a time when the thought of Toby seeing him cry would have mortified Sam, but now he found he didn’t care. He felt Josh’s arms tighten around him and Toby’s hand on his shoulder and for the first time since he had walked out of his bedroom and found a stranger in his home, he felt safe again.

It took a while for the three men to recognize the approaching thuds as Adam’s steps on the wharf. They increased in volume until Adam was beside them again holding blankets from Sam’s boat. He placed one over Sam and draped the other over Josh’s shoulders. Josh pulled the edges over him so that they covered Sam too as he shifted again and returned to sitting up and leaning against him. 

Toby asked Adam if he had a boat here, and as they talked about the harbor Josh watched Toby reach into his pocket, pull out a handkerchief and start to wipe Sam’s eyes and nose. The move seemed so natural; Josh wouldn’t have been surprised if he had heard Toby instruct Sam to ‘blow’. 

The lights of the ambulance illuminated the boats; but it didn’t reach the group of men sitting huddled on the end of the wharf. Adam jumped up and ran to meet the paramedics. Josh watched his form emerging from the darkness into the brilliant blue flashing lights.

As the paramedics came into view, Sam insisted that he wanted to walk. Josh and Toby supported him and he managed a few steps before he leant heavily against Josh, mumbling, "Perhaps not." and let the paramedics help him onto the gurney. Sam’s lung had collapsed and he was suffering from the effects of the cold but more than anything he was tired. He had finally released the stress and fear of the past few weeks and in their place was exhaustion. Sam felt the oxygen mask being placed on his face and heard the doors slamming shut. He thought he could hear Josh’s voice but when he opened his eyes he couldn’t see past the face of the paramedic who bent over him. The next time he opened his eyes he was lying in a hospital bed, it was the middle of the night, and Josh was asleep by his side. When he woke in the morning Josh was still there.

* * *

Josh lifted his head towards the sky and felt the sun warm on his face. He rested against the side of his car and jingled the keys in his pocket. He was waiting for Sam. The ‘just five minutes’ it would take him to say goodbye to Adam had already turned into fifteen. Josh didn’t care, he had waited two weeks for Sam to decide he was ready to come back to Washington, so he decided he could stand and wait in Adam’s driveway for a while longer.

Eventually the two men emerged from the house. Adam was laughing at whatever Sam was earnestly trying to explain to him. Josh walked over to Adam and shook his hand.

"Sam’s worked out a route for the way home." Adam grinned as Josh’s expression fell.

"Before we get in that car you’ve got to promise me that you’re not going to tell me which way to go." Josh said.

Sam smiled as he hugged Adam. "I might point out a few detours." he said to Josh as he walked past him and towards the car.

"No, there will be no detours, no easier routes and definitely no scenic routes."

Josh climbed in and grabbed his copy of the route home that Sam was studying.

"I might point them out, is all I’m saying. I could do it after we’ve gone by...it would be like a retrospective route." 

"You know...I saved your life, aren’t you meant to be beholden to me or at least eternally grateful or something." 

"I can be beholden to you and point out alternative routes."

Josh sighed as he started the engine and handed the route to Sam. Adam followed the car out of the driveway. He waved until it had disappeared from view.

* * *

Josh reached over and grabbed the piece of paper from Sam’s hand.

"What?"

"You made a noise."

"Josh I think you need to pull over and take a break." Sam tried to grab the piece of paper back.

"When we passed that exit you made a noise...it was a tut or a snort...whatever...you made a derogatory noise about my route."

"I was just going to say if you’d gone off at..." 

Sam woke suddenly as the car bumped along the uneven road surface.

"We’re nearly there, do you want to stop?"

Sam stretched as much as could within the confines of his seat, "No let’s just carry on- how long have I been asleep?"

"Forty-five blissful minutes." 

"Let’s just carry on...I want to get home." Sam murmured as he closed his eyes again.

The radio reception had been getting worse until eventually it became two stations vying to be heard above each other. Sam reached over and switched it off.

"Did Adam tell you about the sleepwalking?" He had been quiet for the last half hour and Josh was expecting it to lead to a question like this.

"He told me everything." It was dark now and neither man could see the other’s face clearly.

"I don’t blame you...I did...but that wasn’t me...does that make sense?"

"Yes."

Both men were surprised to find a space exactly opposite the entrance to Sam’s apartment. It was tight, but after several maneuvers Josh squeezed between the two cars, switched off the engine and quietly announced, "Here we are."

"Here we are." Sam repeated. 

They sat in silence for a while, both weary from the journey. Josh watched as Sam carefully folded the route. He turned to Sam as he felt the paper placed in his hand, "See- I got you home."

Sam nodded and smiled, "You did." 

By the time they had reached Sam’s apartment Josh had decided he was too tired to go back down and drive home. Sam said he would get the spare room ready but Josh stopped him and insisted he go to bed. Sam didn’t argue; the journey had tired him out more than he had expected. Josh watched as he walked towards his bedroom. He stalled for moment before opening the door, but then he grasped the handle firmly and swung the door open. He called ‘goodnight’ to Josh before closing it behind him. He walked over to the end of the bed and ran his hand over the quilt. In the morning, when his vision was no longer clouded with tiredness he would notice that there was a brand new quilt and cover on his bed. He would ask Josh about it and he would explain that CJ had bought it for him. In the morning he would see that his telephone and answering machine had been replaced and Josh would tell him that his old ones were out of date and that nobody had a separate answer machine and phone anymore. In the morning he would find cards from his friends and a letter from the President. He would smile at Toby’s message and read it twice before placing it with the others. He would do all this and more but first he had to sleep. 

In the morning he would begin to see clearly again.

THE END


End file.
